Understand
by Scallywag
Summary: ‘Well, with any luck he’ll die of a urinary track infection and his family will all catch syphilis and be doomed to sexual solitude for eternity’ Harry said, trying to instil some hope in them.'
1. Potions, Homework and Rectum Boils

A/N: Ok, well I've got another story, one of which I plan to continue writing until I run out of idea's to go with it. I hope this becomes a little more successful review wise than my other stories *HINT HINT*. Lol. Because the holidays are coming up (well, for year 10 in Australia they are. Ha ha to all the other years/countries) So that means I am going to have A LOT of spare time, so I'll be updating more often and hope to finish this by the time the holidays are over. Unfortunately it is because of the upcoming holidays that I may start writing rubbish due to my enormous amount of time. If this does occur, PLEASE tell me other wise my writing skills will sink below sub-normal and then that will only add to the abundance of crap on fanifc. Sorry if there are any spelling mistakes. Also, if you're not a Simpsons fan, like myself, then it is unlikely you'll understand some of the dialogue used. So, if you come across something you don't understand -IT WAS A JOKE, well, my attempt at one anyway..  
  
Disclaimer: Yes, yes yes..ok no, I don't own them. I've pretended I own them, pretended I don't own them and occasionally actually claimed them, "so who's to say who's right and wrong with all our modern ideas and products.ok, we'll give the stupid animal to the stupid animal refuge." -Homer Simpson  
  
Chapter One-  
  
Potions, Hermonie's Homework and Rectum Boils  
  
A/N: Yes, the 1st chapters' title is a bit strange.  
  
Ron squinted down at his potions paper as he scanned though the block of text before his sleepily sunken eyes. Not because he couldn't read it, but because Ron was on the verge of loosing all physical control due to his tiredness that his stupidity was on the increase. He was idiotic enough to think if he squinted really hard at his essay on magical cures for boils, that his homework would simply disappear. This, however, was not taking on the effect the over worked Ronald Weasley was hoping for and he soon abandoned his under thought solution.  
  
Ron dipped his quill back into his inkbottle, despite it's lack of need for actual ink due to the fact that Ron hadn't used it since it's last refueling. Ron rested from his pausing and then paused some more, this was shortly followed with a brief detour to the lavatory and then he commenced his in depth pausing.  
  
On his return, Ron shuffled his papers numerous times, decided they should probably be color coded, then decided, before he carried out his previous thought, that he should perhaps align them in alphabetical order, he then realized they were stapled.  
  
Ron then, with much reluctance, picked up his potions textbook and proceeded to read.  
  
"The most common place for boils to form on the human body is the rectum. To rid yourself of the horrid rectum boils you must stand upside down naked in a pot of ice cold glue, drink the already made potion (as mentioned in section 5 of your textbook) and sing irrelevant songs. We recommend God Save the Queen."  
  
After reading the previous sentences Ron decided he now knew too much about boils, or rather, knew too much about where to find them. Ron wondered what the hell possessed Snape to set them such a ridiculous essay, then decided to stop thinking about that too. The thought of Snape and rectum boils was not very comforting and he certainly didn't want it to be the last thing he thought about before he went to sleep. He dreaded the thought of what horrible dreams that idea could spawn. Then he decided that "spawn" was probably not the best phrase to use in a sentence that incorporated the words Snape and rectum boils and slammed the textbook shut.  
  
"That was an image I didn't need *click click* deleted".  
  
Bored, sleepy and irritable Ron decided to do the honorable thing he usually did in a situation like this, copy Hermonie's essay the following morning and Snape would be none the wiser. Though this would require some sort of word rearrangement on his part, he was willing to make that sacrifice.  
  
Though this time it was going to be considerably more difficult than Ron's previous acts of plagiarism. Hermonie had refused when he'd made a joke about borrowing her homework last time he used it for his own, and hoped against hope Hermonie wouldn't stay true to her word.  
  
Ron made a mental note to wake Hermonie in the morning to beg her for her essay. He figured if he sprung the idea on her in the early hours she would be far to sleepy to refuse him and agree to hand over homework her with minimal objections.  
  
Ron had not taken into account the staircase leading to the girls dormitories that had a inconvenient habit of screaming and turning into a super fun happy slide when any male decided he might wish to venture into forbidden female territory. The ironic thing about the staircase turned super fun happy slide was the blatant fact that it was more irritating than fun due to the fact that boys wanted to get up there, not slide down the floor boards with enthusiasm- thus making the super fun happy side completely unfun. Well, most of the boys felt that way, with the exception of a few 1 st years who's hormones hadn't kicked in yet and were delighted about the some what children's play ground accessory situated in the Gryffindor common room.  
  
Ron gazed at the tarnished gold rimmed clock positioned above the fireplace, which was still violently burning through the large piece of timber upon it. He collected his ill written essay and less than cherished textbooks and headed for the boy's stairs case.  
  
Ron drifted towards the banister and the fire extinguished itself. Ron had seen this magically automatic safety precaution when the last person leaves the common room too many times this week. He had made a habit of waking early, sleeping late and finishing homework tasks at the last possible minute. He was in real need of help concerning that, but felt far to uninterested to occupy his mind with thoughts of unprofitable education.  
  
"Pfftt, education, what can that possibly offer?"  
  
And with that thought, Ron closed his dormitory door shut with a click, undressed down to his boxers, lifted his bed covers and jumped into his gold and scarlet colored four-poster.  
  
Ron was not an easy sleeper and because he had been staying up rather late all throughout this week, he found it no easier to sleep tonight than any other recent night of the week. This paradox pissed Ron off. In theory he should have been sleeping the minute his adolescent head hit the pillow, in theory this would have been his body's golden opportunity to rest, but, in theory, communism works, and who can argue with that?  
  
Ron awaited the break of dawn, as this signaled when he was to approach Hermonie. By now it had dawned on him, in his most sleepy state of mind, that it would be rather difficult to discreetly enter the girls dormitories if there was shrill screaming coming from the base of the staircase. He also wasn't to keen on riding the super fun happy slide at dawn- there is a reason for those "do not operate heavy machinery whilst drowsy" warnings.  
  
He scooped up his wand from his bedside table and, to be sure, drew the curtain around his four-poster so no one else in his dormitory would know his whereabouts. Last time he had left in the middle of the night and left his curtain open it appeared all too obvious that he was missing. His roommates wouldn't let up with all their questions for weeks. As it turned out, Ron had taken the liberty of attempting yet another introduction to the girl's dormitories - this, obviously, hadn't turned out the way he'd planned.  
  
Ron quietly gathered his robes hanging on a chair beside the windowpane and dressed himself appropriately for the school day. He, however, felt that if he tousled his hair, gave her a cheeky school boyish grin and undid a few top buttons he would be sure to score with Hermonie - concerning the matter of the homework that is. 


	2. The Bible, Levitation and Poultry Produc...

A/N: Again, there are a few Simpson's quotes in here. Hope you liked the last chapter and I'll put the next one up soon. This one I think is a little shorter than the previous, but not by much. I wrote this all in one sitting so I'm not sure how funny it is to you. Guess I'll have to wait and see.  
  
Disclaimer: Maybe I don't, maybe I do. Maybe the latter is considered plagiarism, who knows? And more to the point, who cares? If you did, then you wouldn't be on fanfic anyway. If you do, then you're pretty much considered a third party in the crime. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the latter is in every way correct. The latter IS in every way correct. Lol.  
  
Chapter Two-  
  
The Bible, Levitation and poultry products  
  
After re-arranging his attire, Ron ushered himself out of his dormitory and proceeded to advance on the girl's staircase. He reached for his wand in his top pocket and pointed it at himself.  
  
"Wingardrium Leviousa"  
  
Ron twirled slightly on an angle as he hovered toward his destination.  
  
"...And remember, we are always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom"  
  
He found it quiet hilarious that the spell Hermonie had insisting on helping him learn in the 1st year was the very same spell he was using to get into her dormitory, which, predictably, Hermonie would detest.  
  
His feet touched down at the alcove outside the 6th year girl's dormitory and he gave a deep sigh of relief. He hadn't really thought that part through. Ron, with his typical male mind, had presumed that everything would somehow fall into place and turn out to work in his favor. Despite how obviously testosterone based and naïve that statement was, it was more often than that true.  
  
This was as far as Ron had actually gotten before, so he wasn't entirely sure whether he'd passed through the worst of it yet. He was now deciding on the likely hood of being caught.  
  
"Hmmmmm" Ronald thought.  
  
"Yey, or nay?" He questioned.  
  
"Potential detention or.potential detention."  
  
"Detention with McGonagal or detention with potions teacher who set you homework on rectum boils?" Alarmed at what possible punishment was being implied by his sub-conscious concerning his potions teacher, Ron immediately choose  
  
"Nay".  
  
Despite the age of the wooden door it made no sound to suggest that someone was intruding. Ron was quiet pleased about this, he certainly did not want to wake either Lavender or Parvati.  
  
"God knows what they would make it out to be".  
  
Hermonie's roommates had their little "theories" about the two of them, which, they made no attempt to conceal or even make the slightest bit subtle. Ron didn't really mind. Though he would never actually let Hermonie know this, no, that would be the practical thing to do.  
  
Ron made quiet, long steps towards Hermonie's four-poster and drew the curtain around it with a quick swish.  
  
He knelt on her bed beside her, gazed down at Hermonie sleeping peacefully and couldn't help feeling guilty about needing to wake her up. This thought quickly left his mind as he picked up the spare pillow on the end of her bed and began to smother her with it.  
  
" What-"  
  
"Morning Monie" Ron said cheerily as he pushed the pillow into her face again, knocking her flat on her back.  
  
"Ron-what-are-"  
  
Smothered again.  
  
"What's-the-"  
  
And again.  
  
"How'd-you-get-in" Ron stopped smothering her and leant back on his heels.  
  
"I used a little spell to my advantage"  
  
"What spell-"  
  
Smothered again.  
  
"Ron!"  
  
"Shhhhh!" Ron hissed.  
  
Hermonie stepped outside the drawn curtain and said in an agitated tone "Silencio" and stepped back into the curtains and landed with a thump back on her four-poster.  
  
"What spell did you use?"  
  
"Wingardrium Leviousa"  
  
"Ron you're breaking school rules and-"  
  
"Yeah, but never mind that. I need to borrow you essay for potions.  
  
Ron immediately recognized Hermonie's facial expression as one of extreme annoyance. Ron suspected PMS.  
  
"No Ron, last time was the LAST time. You've had all week to do it-"  
  
Ron took this as an invitation to smother Hermonie with her pillow again and did so. He then released her with much reluctance.  
  
"All I'm hearing is blah blah blah I'm going to give Ron my potions homework."  
  
"Ron, you can't expect me to-"  
  
"Am I turning you on?"  
  
"Don't change the subject Ron. Your not-"  
  
"What if I undo this button?" Hermonie lifted her pillow threateningly.  
  
"Ron-"  
  
"What if I talk like this?"  
  
"What if you take your sexual advances and stick them up your-"  
  
"What if I sing to you? I gave my love a chicken, it had no bones.mmmm chicken."  
  
"Ron! Stop singing! Stop fantasizing about chicken and other poultry products!"  
  
"Please Hermonie, I need that homework. I really need that homework. I really really really need that homework. I really really really really-"  
  
"Oh bloody hell! Go on, take it! It's in my third draw."  
  
"Thank you Hermonie."  
  
Ron gathered Hermonie's things and stood up to go to the library and re- word her essay for himself. Ron could hardly believe his luck. He leant across and gave Hermonie a quick peck on the cheek and left the room in a hurry, a number of people would be getting up soon, and knew how that would look.  
  
Ron walked along the hall out of the girl's dormitory and flipped through Hermonie's essay. He wasn't really thinking about the essay, understandably he was wondering why he had kissed Hermonie. He, however didn't really get to ponder this thought for much longer, according to the ear piercing screaming, he had just absent-mindedly walked onto the girl's staircase. Ron lost his balance and slid down the "super fun happy slide" with little to no enthusiasm, quickly picked himself up, sat himself down on the chair nearest the fire and tired to look as innocent as possible. Ron picked up a book on the top of the pile next to the chair and flipped it open as to appear deep in reading when the common room flooded with people.  
  
A few 4th year girls stared at Ron with suspicious eyes. Ron, in a pathetic attempt to appear as innocent as possible said:  
  
"Gee, time sure flies when your reading the," Ron turned the book over "Bible!"  
  
Many eyes were rolled in his direction. Luckily for Ron the attention was taken off him by a group of 1st year boys who had just exited their dorm.  
  
A gasp could be heard from one of the boys. "SUPER FUN HAPPY SLIDE!" The completely stereotypical middle class white English boy shouted with enthusiasm as he bounded toward his beloved slippery dip.  
  
The 1st years were apparently quiet territorial and began viciously growling at one another. The boy who had discovered the "super fun happy slide" first was apparently the alpha male of the hormonal lacking group and began to hiss wildly at his potential opponents.  
  
Ron saw this as a perfect opportunity to slip out the portrait hole and did so. He glanced down at his watch and read 7:35am. He then quickly set off to he library.  
  
A/N: Third chapter will either be up this week or early next week. 


	3. 15minute breakfast, the lama diversion a...

A/N: Ok, so I know this chapter isn't as good as the other two, but I did my best. If any of you think you've got an idea for me to go with on this story, I'd be mildly interested. lol. I know how the story is going to end up, but I'm not sure about all the other little bits, but we'll see how that goes. A friend of mine recently told me I should put up another chapter to my "untitled" story. I'm thinking about it. So, if you've read that story too then ideas for its next chapter would be greatly appreciated. This chapter has a lot of dialogue, which I don't usually do. So that's probably why I feel this is chapter is a little worse than the others are, but like I said I tried my best. Next chapter will probably have less talking and more thinking.  
  
Disclaimer: No, I don't. I wish I did, but alas, they are not mine, and never will be. So, as long as they aren't mine and I hold no real responsibility for the cause of their destruction then I might as well continue to write.  
  
Chapter Three-  
  
15minute breakfast, the hairy lama diversion and a Mountain of sugar  
  
Ron finished copying Hermonie's essay and left the library in a hurry to get to the great hall for the last 15minutes of breakfast.  
  
He scoffed down bowl after bowl of cereal as Harry and Hermonie sat and ate steadily.  
  
"I heard from Professor McGonagal this morning that we've got to come up with the most suitable object to turn into a human head next transfiguration lesson. Apparently it's worth 15% of our total mark." Hermonie spoke to Harry and Ron.  
  
"I'll give you 40 galleons to think of it for me" "No, Harry" refused Hermonie. "Fine, 30.." This statement was left uncommented.  
  
"Harry, can you pass me the sugar mate?"  
  
"Yeah, sure thing"  
  
Harry reached for the sugar, an arms length from his sitting place, and brought it nearer. He passed it to Ron and withdrew his grasp from the sugar jar a little too soon. Ron fumbled the jar, but due to his oversized, novelty, adolescent hands he clumsily dropped it and spilled its contents over the table. Hermonie giggled.  
  
"Sorry" Harry apologised.  
  
"That's Alright. A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. It's clear now why God portions it out in those tiny little packets."  
  
"Here," Ron said, "Before I forget" Ron handed Hermonie's essay back to her.  
  
"Last time Ron. That was officially the last time"  
  
"Yeah I know, the last time, the last time. That was officially the last time"  
  
"Good"  
  
"That was the last time I'll ever come down late to breakfast."  
  
"Yes- I mean no! No more borrowing my homework from me Ron!"  
  
"Sure thing, no more late breakfast Hermonie, I swear, I'll never do it again"  
  
"Ron-"  
  
"Don't worry Hermonie, I know you worry. But seriously, that was the last time I'm ever going to shovel down breakfast. All I have to do is copy your homework the night before, simple.  
  
"No Ron-"  
  
"No Hermonie, don't fuss. This plan is full proof. If I copy your homework in the evening then I'll have a wholesome breakfast, you'll have undisturbed sleep and everyone's happy.  
  
"Ron!"  
  
Ron got up from Gryffindor table, put his plate up with the rest of the dirty dishes on the rack, picked up his bag and set off to divination without Harry.  
  
Hermonie ground her teeth as Harry got up to leave.  
  
"Let it go Hermonie, he's only joking, hopefully."  
  
Harry smiled at Hermonie before turning in Ron's direction.  
  
"Hey wait up for me!"  
  
Ron slowed for Harry as he reached the first set of staircases.  
  
"So what's this about you being in Hermonie's dormitory 'ey? Harry teased, knowing in truth that nothing had happened.  
  
"har har har".  
  
"How'd you get up there?"  
  
"Well, as you know, all my previous attempts hadn't succeeded. Then last night I thought of something so simple it was stupid"  
  
"What did you use?"  
  
"Well, I used the Wingardr-, Hey! There's no way I'm telling you that! My sisters up there too, and there is no way I'm making it that easy for you!"  
  
"Darn" Harry exclaimed in a thickly hillbilly accent.  
  
"So, you do like my sister!"  
  
"Damn you Ron, my plan has been foiled once again!" Harry thought  
  
"No"  
  
(A/N: When is denial not a typical context of a male when confronted with something they are thoroughly embarrassed about?)  
  
"Oh, anyway, I only went up there for her potions essay. I'd forgotten to do it."  
  
"Forgotten or couldn't be bothered?"  
  
"What's the difference?"  
  
"Good point"  
  
***  
  
Ron, Hermonie and Harry sat themselves down beside Ginny that evening at dinner after half a day of instruction on their upcoming Transfiguration exam. Thoroughly exhausted the three of them ate quickly.  
  
"I thought you said you weren't going to shovel down meals any more Ron?"  
  
"Breakfast Hermonie, I said that about breakfast".  
  
"Whatever. Can you pass the chicken wings?"  
  
"Of course Hermonie dearest. Anything else?"  
  
"Ok, what do you want."  
  
"Why, whatever makes you think that I am after something?"  
  
"Perhaps it's your tone of voice, perhaps it's your choice of words, or perhaps it's that you're applying no effort to make your attempt at laying it on thick subtle at all."  
  
"Alright, fine. I need a partner for the Transfiguration practical exam."  
  
Ron held his breath.  
  
"I'll think about it."  
  
"I would have chosen Harry but lets face it, he's hopeless ("Hey!") and you know how desperately I need help with this kind of thing and-"  
  
"Believe me, I know-"  
  
"Good and-Hey!"  
  
***  
  
"Alright, I'm off to bed" Ron said to Harry and Hermonie who had situated themselves in the Gryffindor common room for a game of Wizards chess, Hermonie was currently loosing, as usual.  
  
"Already?"  
  
"Yeah"  
  
"It's only," Harry looked up at the clock above the fire "11:35, shit"  
  
Ron drifted up the stairs and into his dormitory. He was far too tired to stay up and play Wizards chess, besides, Hermonie wasn't getting any better, so he figured he could always beat her tomorrow."  
  
"One more game?" Harry directed at Hermonie.  
  
Hermonie, who felt she was finally getting the hang of Wizards chess, hesitantly agreed. She wasn't too keen on late school nights, but she was determined not to be beaten again. Unfortunately, determination has nothing to do with Wizards chess and her crappy skills caused her yet another loss.  
  
"Damn, shit, fuck!" Being a good sport wasn't really Hermonie's strong point.  
  
"It's alright Hermonie. Everybody sucks at something, it's just a shame you suck at something I don't"  
  
"I better get to bed, it's getting a bit late"  
  
"Yeah, I think I might as well" Harry seconded as Hermonie placed the chess set down beside the arm chair closest to the fire."  
  
Hey, Hermoine."  
  
Yeah." Hermonie was always cautious at times when Harry asked her a question ending with her name followed with a long pause. This usually meant he was about to ask her something she knew she ether wouldn't be able to answer, or didn't want to.  
  
"Do you know if Ginny.do you know of anyone that may like.what I mean to say is."  
  
This was followed by a bunch of incoherent mumbo jumbo in which Harry mumbled something about hairy lama's and telling Ginny something important.  
  
"Three guesses what" Hermonie silently thought.  
  
"Hairy lama's?"  
  
"Well, I just added that bit in as a diversion from what I was really trying to say."  
  
"note to self: Hairy lama's = unsuccessful diversion"  
  
"I'm not at liberty to say how Ginny feels. It's up to her to decide whether she wants to be with you or not. And that will be considerably difficult if she doesn't know, so I suggest you make a move before someone else does. Goodnight"  
  
"Make a move? Who else? And your suggestion is a little rich," Harry said in defence, "you and Ron have been dancing around the subject for years-"  
  
"There is no me and Ron. I don't know what you're talking about. Goodnight"  
  
"Yes you do-"  
  
"Goodnight" Hermonie repeated a little too firmly and made her way up the staircase to bed.  
  
A/N: Please Read and Review! =P 


	4. Head butting, things from Uranus and the...

A/N: Ok, this chapter still has some Simpson's quotes. I've also added a few from the black adders Christmas carol episode. I don't expect many of you to know what black adder even is, but the quotes are funny even if you don't know where they came from. hope you enjoy.  
  
Disclaimer: I've realised something, my disclaimers rarely turn out to be disclaimers. This, is a prime example of that.  
  
Chapter Four- Head butting, things from Uranus and the Wagon musical  
  
Hermonie stirred beneath her sheets the following Friday morning as the oddly blistering sun swept through the rooms singular window and illuminated the half of her face that wasn't buried into her crumpled pillow.  
  
She reluctantly opened her eyes at the realisation that the blinding light was too annoying to ignore.  
  
Sitting upright in her bed she half expected Ron to come out of no where and attempt to silence her again with a mouthful of red and white linen. But, as there was no homework due today, Ron failed to make an appearance. This, Hermonie found to be quiet agitating. It was hard to predict whether Ron was even interested in her or not, and waking her at the break of dawn exclusively for homework only brought it's likely hood, in Hermonie's opinion, to rock bottom.  
  
"What kind of boy wakes a girl in the early hours for reasons solely revolving around homework? Not one looking for anything but a plutonic relationship, that's for sure."  
  
After belittling herself worth down to bare minimum, Hermonie rose and drew the scarlet curtain around her bed, unbuttoned her night shirt, stripped off her pants and dressed in her school robes.  
  
She heard either Lavender or Pavarti arise and almost violently thrust the windows curtains together, most likely in annoyance similar to Hermonie's on her waking.  
  
Hermonie then heard the dormitory door quietly creak open. Curious, she moved toward the end of her four-poster. Suddenly Ginny's head flew through the space between the curtains and collided with Hermonie's, resulting in a loud head-butt.  
  
"Owwwwww" They seemed to express in unionism.  
  
"Yeah, well, you shouldn't stick your head so close to the curtain!" Ginny protested.  
  
"What! You shouldn't thrust your face through my curtains!" Hermonie replied in defence.  
  
"Yeah, well, how about you mind your own business regarding my beloved curtains"  
  
"Fine."  
  
"Fine."  
  
"I hope you keep many a curtain"  
  
"hope I do."  
  
"What are you doing in here anyway?"  
  
"Looking for unguarded curtains to violate and innocent victims to head- butt."  
  
"Sounds lovely," Hermonie said, ignoring Ginny's previous comment, "Hungry?"  
  
"Yeah. Do you want to wake the boys?"  
  
Hermonie pondered this for a few short moments before deciding on:  
  
"Nah, Ron I'll only eat all the food anyway."  
  
***  
  
"Ron..."  
  
"Piss off..." a sleeping Ron drawled at Harry who was shaking him around the shoulders  
  
"Ron!"  
  
"I said, GO AWAY!"  
  
Ron, who was in the middle of a deep slumber, swung out at Harry, missing him by about half a meter.  
  
Harry, who feared Ron might just get lucky with his next swing and punch him in a "delicate" area went to his second resort. He raced over to his bed, reached for his pillow, grasped it, and squashed it on Ron's face, making sure to block all major air passages.  
  
Apparently, at Hogwarts, death by suffocation was a favourite amongst the students.  
  
Momentarily Ron suspected he was being abducted by aliens with horrid anal probes, then he thought that perhaps Hermonie was getting her revenge for yesterday morning, he then realised it was Harry suffocating him without the slightest bit of remorse.  
  
"I am the thing, from Uranus!" Harry yelled as Ron finally came too.  
  
"Sure you are."  
  
"Come on then. You'll be late for breakfast if you don't get ready soon."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Ron's response wasn't exactly enthusiastic and Harry doubted this would lead to Ron getting out of bed anytime soon.  
  
"Well I'm going down now, bye."  
  
Ron finally got up, showered and dressed within 10 minutes after Harry left.  
  
He packed away his pyjama's and looked up at the calender above his trunk. He read: 29th of November. Christmas was getting closer by the day. Ron wasn't to excited, he knew he'd only be receiving a hand knitted jumper in a colour that he deeply loathed from his mother and a few odds and ends from Harry and Hermonie.  
  
The only plus to the annual event this year was that Harry, Hermonie and himself would be returning to the burrow for the first week of the holidays. Ron had organised this himself, he felt that spending all their holidays at Hogwarts this year might get a little boring, so it made sense to go back to the burrow for a visit.  
***  
  
"Do we have Transfiguration now?" Hermonie asked Harry as she stood up from breakfast.  
  
Harry, who was still sitting at Gryffindor table stuffing his hands were Hermonie could not see, or rather, didn't particularly want to see said:  
  
"Maybe," He shrugged apon standing, "All I know is my testicles wont fit in my underwear any more"  
  
Hermonie looked down at Harry's crutch and, after the initial shock, told Harry to:  
  
"Get those oranges out of your trousers immediately!"  
  
Harry placed the oranges back into the wooden fruit bowl on the table. This motion was followed by several disgusted remarks from other Gryffindors and a short fit of laughter from Ginny.  
  
They then both made their way up to the Transfiguration room. It was several minutes before Hermonie asked where Ron was.  
  
"He's probably still getting ready. I tried to wake him up, but it didn't work."  
  
"Doesn't surprise me, that boy can sleep through anything..."  
  
***  
  
Ron joined them moments before Professor McGonagall opened the classroom door to the Transfiguration room.  
  
"I trust you all have paired up with your partners," Ron looked at Hermonie pleadingly, "If you have any questions, I'll be in my office the entire lesson taking care of -er- personal things...  
  
Despite the oddness of Professor McGonagall's statement and abrupt departure, the students didn't really care. It was a rare occasion when they ever took interest in a teachers personal life, this was not one of them.  
  
"Come on Hermonie? Please?"  
  
"Alright, fine" Hermonie agreed.  
  
It sounded like a very hostile reply to Ron, but Hermonie was MORE than happy to do the assignment with him.  
  
"We'll need to do some extra study tonight, it's a big job." She suggested while scanning through a book she retrieved from her back pack titled: The Nerd book, the nerdy book for nerds.  
  
"What are you talking about? All we have to do is find out what thing to turn into a head, then do it. I don't see why we have to-"  
  
"-It's a big job Ronald"  
  
Ron, very disgruntled at the idea of study, didn't pick up on Hermonie's subtle plan.  
  
"That boy is so thick, he wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted it's self purple and danced naked on top of a harpsy cord singing subtle plans are here again"  
  
"Hey Hermonie?"  
  
"Yessss..."  
  
"Do we have to turn the object into a particular persons head?"  
  
"Shiiitttt" Her Profanity surprised Ron, but not too much. Harry had always said she swore like crazy when not in his presence. Ron suspected this was because she was female, and could do what she bloody well liked.  
  
Hermonie had been counting on this assignment to be easy and quick so she could have more "study" time with Ron that evening. Not that having to ask a simple question would make the assignment hard at all, but she didn't want to interrupt Professor McGonagall.  
  
"Well, we better go ask"  
  
Ron stood and followed Hermonie out the room, down the hall and outside Professor McGonagall's office. Hermonie knocked once, twice, then finally on her third try she grew impatient and opened the door herself.  
  
Once the door was opened they we're showered with old folk music, disco lights and some of the worst western designer clothes ever seen. It Immediately screamed trashy school musical to Ron. The whole factuality was gathered around an unpainted wagon.To top it off the entire staff appeared to be in the middle of a scene.  
  
Snape: That's a pretty sorry lookin' wagon you got yourself there...  
  
McGonagall: I reckon it could use a...coat of paint.  
  
All: *singing* Gonna paint a wagon, gonna paint it good. We ain't braggin' we're gonna coat that wood"  
  
The chorus was then repeated several times and to Ron and Hermonie's horror Dumbledore sprung out from a corner of the room, dressed in way to many tassels and wearing a red leather western suit that left little of the old mans torso to the imagination.  
  
Dumbledore: What's going on in my town?  
  
McGonagall: Nothing. We're just painting this here wagon. You got a problem with it?  
  
Dumbleore: As a matter of fact I do.  
  
McGonagall: Yeah?  
  
Dumbledore: You missed a spot.  
  
McGonagall: We'll what are you waiting for? Grab a brush and join in!  
  
It was at this point that the music started up again.  
  
All: *singing* Gonna paint a wagon, gonna paint it fine. Gonna use oil based paint, because the wood is pine!"  
  
Ron and Hermonie, who were thoroughly freaked out at this point decided that this was the moment to exit.  
  
"Personal 'ey" Hermonie commented on their way back to class.  
  
"The scariest bit was when Snape dressed in drag and did the hula."  
  
"No, I disagree. The scariest bit was when Professor Trealweny frolicked naked through the set screaming something about Lee Marvin."  
  
"Please don't remind me. I don't even think that was part of the scene."  
  
*** 


	5. Sperm threats, Castration and Making lov...

A/N: I don't know what happened to the Italics for the character's thoughts last chapter, I was using a different program, hopefully it works out this time. Things aren't really going the way I had planned at the moment, so you'll have to bare with me if I don't post up new chapters every two seconds. Sorry if this chapter gets a bit dull at the end, it couldn't be helped, I couldn't think of anything much funny to add to it. But on the plus side this chapter is longer! Lots of dialogue, some Simpson's quotes and a bit from Robin Hood, men in tights. Hope you enjoy!  
  
OH, AND BEFORE I FORGET, AGAIN, I'd like to say a big thank you to the following for reviewing so far.  
  
mojo-gasaraki, housewife slash maid, Me, emma-watson03 and hellyn  
  
Disclaimer: One thing about me, I say a lot of things, and most of them aren't factual. I own Harry Potter!  
  
Chapter 5-  
  
Sperm threats, Castration and Making love to Ronald Weasley; the users guide.  
  
After the musical experience, which will now be referred to as the "when teachers go bad" fiasco, Ron and Hermonie returned to Transfiguration, went to all their other classes, ate lunch, told Harry and sat down for dinner.  
  
"You walked in on what!?" Harry asked, both shocked and confused.  
  
His shock mainly came from the thought of Snape dressing in drag doing the hula. His confusion was from something else entirely. Across the hall, past the Hufflepuffs and the Ravenclaws sat a Slytherin looking quiet smug indeed.  
  
"If I've just witnessed what I think I have then Ginny weasley better disinfect her mouth stat." Harry thought.  
  
"That's not even the worst of it," Ron continued, "As if by now we weren't traumatized enough, Professor Trelawney prances through the middle of it all wearing nothing but her glasses. Talk about turn off"  
  
"I'm surprised you were turned on until this point" Hermonie thought.  
  
Ron paused.  
  
"Harry? Harry? Are you listening to me?"  
  
"Oh yeah, sure.dancing naked.Professor Trelawney.really turned you on."  
  
Hermonie laughed.  
  
"Ron," Harry said, "look over at Malfoy."  
  
"Yeah, I'm looking. But what's this got to do with our story about never wanting to paint naked again?"  
  
Hermonie looked at him oddly.  
  
"Not-that-I-ever-did."  
  
"See that look on his face?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Guess what he just did?"  
  
"I don't know"  
  
"Kissed your sister"  
  
"-WHAT, Ginny? He did what!"  
  
Ron looked down the Gryffindor table, as if to find something wrong with Harry's absurd suggestion.  
  
"Nice try Harry, but she's not even at dinner"  
  
"That's because she's over there making eyes with my-er-our enemy."  
  
Ron glanced over, and sure enough, there was Ginny, flirting with Malfoy, who was sitting next to Crabbe, making out with a cupcake.  
  
The look on Ron's face almost suggested that Hermonie had demanded he have himself castrated.  
  
"I don't believe this!" Ron bellowed.  
  
"Well you better start. Ginny told me last night that Malfoy and her had a bit of a "thing" going on, and not to tell you. She didn't want you to know.just incase you reacted in a similar way you did to her and Dean." Hermonie said.  
  
When Ron had found out about Ginny and Dean he had gone temporarily insane. This wouldn't have effected anyone else much if he hadn't ran around demanding to be tarred and feathered. In the end he eventually tried to season himself with chicken stock. It was about this time Ginny broke it off with Dean.  
  
"Well there's no need to bloody well tell me now is there! I can see it from here!"  
  
Ginny and Malfoy appeared to be in the middle of a rather wet, and disgusting, in Ron's opinion, display of adolescent affection.  
  
"Ewwwwwww, it burns, it burns!"  
  
Ron wasn't taking the news very well. Hermonie had been dreading telling him, but, Ron was right, there was obviously no need to tell him now, he could see EVERYTHING for himself.  
  
"I think we better go." Hermonie said to Harry, concerned.  
  
"That's disgusting."  
  
Harry agreed and threw one of Ron's arms over his shoulder, Hermonie took the other and they carried the wailing Ron out of the Great hall.  
  
On the way up to the common room Ron pulled Hermonie close and said:  
  
"You must avenge my death Kimba, I mean Simba."  
  
"Sure thing Mufasa. Anything you say."  
  
***  
  
After Ron finally settled down, at 9:30, he decided that now would be a good time to study. He was obviously delirious. Despite this Hermonie did not object and neither did Harry, much to Hermonie's disappointment.  
  
They made their way up the boy's staircase and into the dorm where they found Neville, Harry's Transfiguration partner.  
  
Ron and Hermonie situated themselves on Ron's bed and emptied their bags. Neville and Harry sprawled out their information in front of them and sat on the floor near the window.  
  
Sometime passed and neither of the teams were doing much study, Ron was attempting it, but only because when ever he paused the image of Ginny and Malfoy popped up with a vengeance of 2 dozen semi-digested meat pies.  
  
Harry and Neville were deeply immersed in an intelligent conversation about beef jerky.  
  
Hermonie reached into the depths of her bag and retrieved yet another book entitled: Making love to Ronald Weasley; the users guide, and held it up high, trying to get Ron's attention- unsuccessful.  
  
"If this isn't subliminal then I don't know what is!" Hermonie thought.  
  
"Hey harry," Ron asked while he moved down onto the floor with them.  
  
"Yeah" Harry replied as Hermonie moved down onto the floor as well.  
  
"Can I borrow your glasses, just for a laugh?"  
  
"Yeah, why not." Harry said, handing them over.  
  
Ron put them on.  
  
"Wow..." He expressed in a kind of a trance a three year old slips into when they shit themselves.  
  
Ron turned to who he assumed was Harry.  
  
"Oh no," Ron said, touching Harry's forehead, "you've lost your scar...but you grew a nice set of boobs..."  
  
"Aherm..."  
  
"Oh, sorry Hermonie..."  
  
"Give me those!" Neville snatched the glasses from Ron, and upon putting them on, turned to Hermonie.  
  
"Hey Handsome, wanna hook up later on?"  
  
"What was that Hermonie?"  
  
"I said stop picturing me in a thong!"  
  
"Oh..." ***  
  
Ron and Neville both had bottomless pits for stomachs, so naturally, even after having dinner, they were both still hungry and went down to the kitchens to harass some innocent house elves for food. If it had been any other time, Harry would have joined them, but the Ginny and Draco fiasco had him in a bit of a temporary depression.  
  
"How are you?" Hermonie asked, moving onto the end of Harry's bed.  
  
Harry was sitting up under his covers looking out the window, an odd expression of self pity and anger on his face that made him look like a demented sloth eating a pineapple.  
  
"Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine. A bit sleepy, a bit tired, a bit angry, a bit confused, a bit rejected, a bit-"  
  
"Ok, I get the picture. I tried to warn you that night we were playing Wizards chess but-"  
  
"Yeah, but I didn't actually think you were serious! I just don't understand. What does he have that I don't?"  
  
"Toilet training?"  
  
"One time Hermonie, ONE TIME!  
  
"Ok, point noted. But think realistically Harry. Do you really think you two would have even got together if you weren't willing to make a move?"  
  
"But Ginny could have-"  
  
"Yes, Ginny could have. But you know Ginny. She's got more confidence this year, but not THAT much. Besides if you've defeated Voldermort numerous times, you'd think the you'd be able to master this."  
  
"This is completely different! Defeating Voldermort was child's play, were talking about slaying sexual tension here Hermonie!  
  
"Slaying sexual tension?"  
  
"...Quiet you! And what do you mean she isn't confidant enough? She asked Malfoy didn't she?"  
  
"No. He asked Her."  
  
"Bastard, he's always one step ahead!"  
  
"About that Harry...I don't know what Malfoy is getting at..."  
  
"Meaning?"  
  
"Well, when has Malfoy ever showed any interest in Ginny before this? He might like her, he might be trying to make you jealous, he might be getting a sex change, who knows? But I'm pretty sure that he's not after her child like innocence."  
  
"You're right, but what do you want me to do? I can't reverse a sex change. If you're asking me to talk to her then I already do that."  
  
"Talk to her about THIS Harry, about THIS!"  
  
"Ok, fine, fine...later."  
  
"Unless by later you mean tomorrow then I'm going to have to kick you in the nuts."  
  
"No, by later I mean at the burrow."  
  
"Fine, but if anything happens to Ginny between now and then, Mr. Harry Potter," Hermonie said, poking him hard in the chest, "then I promise you, you will never have to worry about contraception again!"  
  
"Alright, enough about that, I don't want to hear you threatening my unproduced sperm again. How about you and Ron, 'ey?"  
  
"Me and Ron? Like I said earlier-"  
  
"You're madly in love with him!"  
  
"Yes- WAIT-no!"  
  
"I knew it! I knew it! Hermonie loves-"  
  
At this moment Ron and Neville returned, arms full of food.  
  
"What's going on?" Ron asked at the fragment of Harry's previous sentence he had over heard.  
  
"Er- we were just talking about the wide market for new beef jerky products and other meaty accessories."  
  
If it had been anyone else other than Ron and Neville, they wouldn't have bought it, but it so happened that they themselves had continued their conversation about beef jerky down in the kitchens and saw nothing suspicious about it.  
  
Dean and Seamus walked through the door, saw the food and made there was towards it.  
  
"Well, you four hungry? We bought back heaps of stuff."  
  
"Yeah" Harry, Hermonie, Dean and Seamus said, moving onto Ron's bed.  
  
A/N: The next chapter should be up some time this week. Please Review! 


	6. Seminaked Hermonie, Voldemort's strange ...

A/N: Ok, still Simpsons quotes, another from Robin hood men in tights, and just some random stuff I threw together. Sorry for the spelling mistakes in other chapters, I've only just realized them, but I probably won't change them, lol. I HOPE, there aren't any spelling mistakes, but like I emphasized, I HOPE. Hope you enjoy, and please review. Oh and Izzy, Daniel and Joel. I think you'll find something in here that will remind you of a certain taunting episode that started after school certificate on the way to the bus and continued up until the very end of term which incorporated some wrongly sung lyrics and bad vocal ability! Oh, and as you requested Daniel, there is a bit of profanity, but only a little, actually, you might as well say this chapter has sub-normally low profanity, but meh, what ya gona do? Nothing. Sorry this chapter has taken approx. 1 million years to get up. Truth be told I was finished writing this in the 6th of December, but some crazy hacker got onto our computer and whenever we were online they could see exactly what we were doing. Unfortunately, for them, they couldn't get into my mother's bank account password. So, just a little message for said hacker: eat shit you pineapple-eating monkey! Lol. And now for the story.  
  
I'm sorry but I don't have time to say thanks to everyone because of the hacker thing, actually I'm not even meant to be on the net right now!  
  
Disclaimer: Ah yes, my beloved disclaimer, oh how I never fill you out properly.  
  
Chapter Six-  
  
Semi-naked Hermonie, Voldemort's strange sexual powers and the alleged abolishment of Sultana Bran and other food produce at Hogwarts.  
  
Hermonie felt the familiar morning sun against her face the following Saturday morning as she slowly awoke.  
  
"I've got to remember to shut those curtains," She thought.  
  
She brushed her hand up the side of the bed and went to dig her face into her pillow, only to realize it was hard, and rather chest like. This struck Hermonie as odd, as the last time she had checked her pillow had been rather cushiony, and had a lot less nipples.  
  
"Oh no oh no oh no oh no!"  
  
"What.?" She heard Ron sleepily groan.  
  
"Oh god oh god oh god oh god!"  
  
"What? Oh." Ron was completely awake at this moment and could now understand Hermonie's insane rambling.  
  
Hermonie was sleeping in Ron's bed, with Ron, under the sheets, and to top this awkward situation off, Ron was completely naked.  
  
"What? I like to sleep in the nude."  
  
"Well that's just FABULOUS!"  
  
"Don't stress Monie, you're not naked.are you?" Ron lifted up the sheets in an overly curious way.  
  
"Oh god oh god oh god!"  
  
"Ok, so you're in your underwear, big deal." It was at this point Ron decided to take another glance under the sheets.  
  
"Ron!"  
  
"What?" He grinned, "just checking."  
  
"Ok, care to explain to me, Ronald," She said through clenched teeth, "Why I am in your bed, in my underwear, and exactly what point did you become aware of it."  
  
"Just then, I'll reenact the scene shall I?" Ron suggested enthusiastically  
  
"That won't be necessary. Just explain what happened after the boys went to bed before I sever both your testicles."  
  
"Well, don't freak out Hermonie," Ron replied, "But we waited until you fell asleep to take pictures of you naked with a hamburger and sold them to the German paparazzi."  
  
"I feel so violated!" Hermonie sarcastically gasped.  
  
"Yes, well, between you and me, that was one sexy hamburger."  
  
Hermonie laughed.  
  
"Ok, seriously, how the hell did I get here?"  
  
"You fell asleep, Harry went to bed, and I didn't want to wake you, so I just let you lie there, and then I went to bed."  
  
"So explain the nakedness?"  
  
"Like I said, I sleep naked, if you've got a problem with that then don't sleep in my bed damn it!"  
  
"I don't mean your nakedness, I mean my nakedness!"  
  
"Don't you mean your semi-nakedness?"  
  
"Same thing."  
  
"Well your guess is as good as mine. Maybe you always sleep semi-naked and you just don't know it yet."  
  
"You wish."  
  
"I sure do!"  
  
"Shut up.did you hear that?"  
  
"Hear wha-"  
  
Dean drew the curtain around his bed open and pulled on his pants.  
  
"Does everyone in here sleep naked?" Hermonie thought.  
  
Dean walked over to the balcony to shut the curtains. On his way past he said:  
  
"Morning Ron, hey semi-naked Hermonie," Dean shut the curtains, "Wait a minute, semi naked Hermonie?"  
  
"Ah.good morning Dean." Hermonie said awkwardly.  
  
"Well, well, well what happened here?"  
  
"Nothing-"  
  
Three more sets of curtains opened and three bodies emerged from their four- posters.  
  
"Morning Ron, Dean, semi-naked Hermonie." Harry, Neville and Seamus greeted.  
  
"Wait a minute, semi-naked Hermonie?" They said in confused unionism.  
  
"ER-look over there!" Hermonie pointed to the balcony in an attempt to distract them.  
  
"Oh come on Hermonie, we're not going to fall for that."  
  
"No I'm serious. Look over there!"  
  
"Come on-"  
  
"No, Quick, you better turn around or something really bad is going to happen!"  
  
"Huh?" They said as they all looked toward the balcony.  
  
"Suckers!" Hermonie called over her shoulder as she sprinted out the door to her dormitory.  
  
Ron stood up and pulled on his pants, shirt, a jumper, socks and looked up at his roommates who had been staring at him since Hermonie fled the scene.  
  
"What?"  
  
"What do you mean what?"  
  
"By what I mean what!'  
  
"Well, if you ask me, which you didn't, then I'd say it all looks a little suspicious."  
  
"Suspicious? What's suspicious? I don't see anything suspicious! You're all crazy! Nothing is suspicious! Just because I was naked and Hermonie was in my bed does not make circumstances suspicious!"  
  
"You're only digging yourself deeper Ron" Seamus informed.  
  
"What would you know, you demented sparrowkeet! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got people to do, things to see."  
  
Harry gave him an odd look.  
  
"I mean, oh you know what I mean!"  
  
"Calm down Ron. All we want are the sweet, sweet juicy details." Dean tried to persuade.  
  
"There is nothing to tell! Nothing happened!"  
  
"Oh, I see, you were just talking naked in bed together like you do every morning?"  
  
"Yes, exactly, just like we do every- wait no!"  
  
***  
  
Harry gave up on trying to con Ron into telling him what happened and moved down to the great hall for breakfast alone. When he left, Ron had hidden his head amongst his covers singing Sweet home Alabama while trying to block out Dean, Neville and Seamus who were pestering him for details.  
  
Harry dished out a bowl of porridge, ate it, and conjured up a bowl of pudding.  
  
"Alright brain, it's up to you. If you don't think of something quick then we could loose our chances with Ginny forever"  
  
"Eat the pudding Eat the pudding Eat the pudding Eat the pudding Eat the pudding Eat the pudding."  
  
"Shut up, Brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!"  
  
Hermonie joined Harry a few moments later and refused to say anything on the matter of her and Ron except that the incident was completely innocent.  
  
"Ok, fine, but if it was me and somebody naked in bed I'd let you know alllllll about it"  
  
"I don't doubt that for a second."  
  
Ron and the rest of the boys came into the Great Hall and sat down. Ron sat next to Hermonie, the rest of them sat next to Harry.  
  
Dean gave Ron a look, as if to say, "Ron loves poodles." But Ron assumed it had something to do with the incident earlier that morning.  
  
"Innocent!"  
  
"I didn't say anything!"  
  
"Yeah, but you were thinking it!"  
  
"Hermonie, can you pass the syrup." Ron asked, "Hermonie, oi Hermonie!" Ron said, waving his hand in front of her face to get her attention, "HERMONIE! Are you deaf or something, I said can you please pass me the syrup!"  
  
"I'm not deaf, I'm ignoring you."  
  
Ron sighed.  
  
"Harry, would you please tell Hermonie that I would just like to drink a glass of syrup like I do every morning?"  
  
"No," Harry replied, "My reasons for refusal two fold. Firstly, you don't drink a glass of syrup every morning, and secondly, we don't even have syrup!"  
  
"And why not?"  
  
"Because Voldemort believes that it gives him strange sexual powers, and anything that gives Voldemort powers, particularly sexual ones, can only be of the upper most evil. It was shortly after this discovery that Dumbledore ordered that all things syrup and syrupish were to be abolished.or so the legend goes."  
  
"What are you talking about?" Hermonie said, "There's a bottle of syrup right here."  
  
"Oh, my mistake. Carry on."  
  
Hermonie passed the bottle to Ron, who began to fill his cup with it.  
  
"Since when do you drink syrup anyway?"  
  
"Since I said so."  
  
"Can you pass me an Orange Harry." Dean asked.  
  
"It's funny you should ask for an orange, considering they were abolished from Hogwarts in 1982."  
  
"No they weren't!" Hermonie corrected again, "look, there's one right there!" Hermonie said, passing it to Dean.  
  
"Oh, sorry, my bad."  
  
"Can you pass me some Sultana Bran please Neville?" Ron asked.  
  
"SULTANA BRAN! SULTANA BRAN!" Harry screamed, "Are you out of your mind? Are you off your rocker?"  
  
"What the hell is the matter now?" Hermonie asked, irritated.  
  
"Oh nothing! Only that Sultana Bran was abolished from Hogwarts in 1745 when-"  
  
"Alright, that's it!" Hermonie yelled, standing up, "Nothing, orange, syrup, sultana bran or otherwise, has ever been abolished from Hogwarts!"  
  
It was after this outburst that Harry fell to the ground on his side and started to walk around in circles chanting:  
  
"Whoop-whoop-whoop-whoop."  
  
Hermonie turned to Ron, who was choking on his syrup.  
  
"I think this Ginny thing is having a bad effect on him."  
  
"Agreed. We better take him to the hospital wing."  
  
*** "I'm afraid we'll have to keep him here over night, "Madam Promfry told Ron and Hermonie in the hospital wing, "He has a rare case of delirium, better know as the "When-Ginny-Weasley-is-going-out-with-Draco-Malfoy-and-has-no- idea-that-Harry-Potter-likes-her-and-her-brother-has-an-alleged-unhealthy- obsession-with-poodles" mind disease."  
  
"Ok, well, we'll be back to see you tomorrow, ok Harry?" Hermonie might as well said to herself, as Harry had his face down on the bed, twitching and turning, mumbling something about potatoes while leaking copious amounts of drool onto his pillow.  
  
"Mr. Potter, stand still, stop squirming!" Madam Promfry ordered.  
  
"I AM standing still, I AM squirming!"  
  
Ron and Hermonie left the Hospital wing and headed for the common room.  
  
"Well, it's Sunday tomorrow, so if he needs to he can stay an extra day.Do you think maybe we should get Harry some counseling?  
  
"No, no Hermonie, Harry has to learn suppress his pain, deep down inside himself, so it will never bother us again."  
  
"Nice Ron, real nice."  
  
"What? I was joking. I don't know about counseling though, that's a bit expensive."  
  
"What's more important to you? You're best friends mental wellbeing, or how much money is in your wallet?"  
  
".I have to answer this TODAY, don't I?"  
  
"I can't believe you!"  
  
"Again Hermonie, it was a joke. I would definitely choose the one about my wallet."  
  
"What-"  
  
"Joking!"  
  
"Ha ha ha.you suck."  
  
"Thank-you. Are you still up for spending part of the Christmas holidays with Me and Harry at home?"  
  
"Yeah, that's if Harry is up to it, with him being currently delusional and all."  
  
"Yeah, he'll pull through. Besides, Ginny is going to be there, so it's not like he's going to pass it up."  
  
***  
  
"Where have you been?" Dean asked in a mock mothers voice as Ron walked through their dormitory door at around 10:30 that night.  
  
"Just outside with Hermonie."  
  
Dean stifled a laugh.  
  
"Lovers, lovers, lovers, you don't treat me no good no more." Seamus sang under his breath.  
  
"I heard that! And besides, you're singing the lyrics wrong!"  
  
"What does it matter? I'm still implying you and Hermonie are lovers, so what's your point?"  
  
"My point is shut up."  
  
"Request denied."  
  
"Connection terminated."  
  
"That's fine with me.idiot."  
  
"I heard that!"  
  
"Intentional."  
  
"How's Harry?"  
  
"He'll be fine. I just hope he stops claiming random things abolished soon."  
  
"We'll, I'm going to bed."  
  
"Me too." Seamus said  
  
"I guess we'll be seeing semi-naked Hermonie in here tomorrow morning? Dean said, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Piss off"  
  
"Goodnight Princess." Dean taunted.  
  
"Fuck you Dean."  
  
A/N: Next chapter will be up sometime this week. PLEASE REVIEW!!!! 


	7. Malfoy’s testicle deficiency, testicle r...

A/N: Simpson's Quotes still remain, one from Monsters Inc, annnnnnnddddddd I think that's about it. The rest is just a whole bunch of crap I threw together. Not that I think you all will mind much, I haven't had a bad review yet, so I must be doing something right! lol.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. But then again, who does? Ok, so J.K. Rowling does, big deal, my point is, eggplant tastes weird.  
  
Chapter Seven:  
  
Malfoy's testicle deficiency, testicle removal and the 80's testicle fad.  
  
(A/N: Yes, testicles are a major theme for this chapter, lol.)  
  
"Why are you so grumpy?" Ginny asked Harry while walking down one of Hogwarts many shabby corridors.  
  
"I'm not grumpy!" A very disgruntled Harry replied in defensive tone.  
  
Harry had spent both Saturday night and Sunday at the hospital wing and, if possible, it had made the situation worse. Instead of sleeping, Harry had stayed up all night thinking of ways to get rid if Malfoy. He vaguely remembered coming up with:  
  
"Using mainly spoons.we dig a tunnel under Hogwarts and release him into the wild!"  
  
45 scenario's, and that was the best one.  
  
Harry soon realized that this idea was unpractical, he hadn't enough spoons.  
  
Ginny turned off at this point in their conversation and over to McGonagall's classroom while the rest of them headed for Snape's Dungeon. Malfoy strode over to her, a little too cockily, and kissed her, in much the same disgusting way he had the evening before.  
  
"Mr. Malfoy, kindly keep it in your pants. See me during transfiguration next period to appoint you a detention time and venue." Professor McGonagall scowled.  
  
Harry and Ron laughed to themselves at Malfoy's misfortune. But after all, he did deserve it. After 6 years at Hogwarts, strutting around like he owned the place in a "look-at-me-look-at-me-my-father-is-a-death-eater" kind of fashion, it was about time he got a detention.  
  
"You know what you need?" Ron suggested, taking Ginny's place, "A little comic strip called "Love is.", its about two naked eight year olds who are married..."  
  
Ron's "helpful suggestion" was in vain, as the last thing Harry wanted to think about was two naked eight year olds.  
  
"And how would that help?" Hermonie butted in.  
  
"In numerous ways, all of which you are to dim witted to understand!"  
  
"You don't know do you?"  
  
"I don't see how that's relevant."  
  
Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle caught up to the rest of the class and trailed behind Ron, Harry and Hermonie.  
  
"Well, I got detention," Malfoy said loud enough for Harry, and everyone else to hear, "but it was worth it." He winked in their direction as they waited outside Snape's dungeon.  
  
This was about as much as both Ron and Harry could take, but surprisingly, in a not so surprising way, Hermonie was the only one who acted out on it.  
  
"Oh grow up Malfoy, and stop being so cock driven."  
  
"Oh grow up Malfoy, and stop being so cock driven." He mimicked in a high pitch tone.  
  
"That's not funny!"  
  
"That's not funny!"  
  
"Fine."  
  
"Fine."  
  
"Malfoy sucks!"  
  
"Malfoy suc-"  
  
"Will you all kindly shut up, I'm on the phone!" Snape yelled from inside his dungeon.  
  
Curious, the class walked to the door and stopped in the doorframe to listen in.  
  
"Yeah Minerva," Snape said into the mouth piece, "That team sure did suck last night, I mean, I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Oh, I've gotta go, my damn wiener students are listening."  
  
***  
  
After Potions Ron, Hermonie and Harry made their way to Transfiguration. The walk was fairly dull, apart from a little embarrassing incident with a house elf on the staircase. Goyle had been walking in front of the three some when a house elf sprung out from a hole in the wall on the unsuspecting 6th year and dacked him, rendering him trouser-less, amongst other things.  
  
Goyle only worsened the situation for himself when, in a fit of embarrassment, called out to the run away house elf:  
  
"I prefer my pant's on, THANK-YOU!"  
  
Once in the class, they seated themselves in the middle toward the left, while Malfoy waited impatiently at Professor McGonagall's desk awaiting his punishment.  
  
"Mr. Malofy, you know as well as I do, that any kind of physical affection between students is punishable by sack whacking."  
  
McGonagall paused at the look of terror on Malfoy's face when he clutched his genitalia.  
  
"Of course, I feel that that is a little harsh and have appointed you to serve detention at 7:00 tonight in Hagrid's hut."  
  
"That's not to bad." Malfoy thought.  
  
"Hagrid will inform you of your tasks on your arrival. However, I am under the impression that they will revolve around the forbidden forest.I'll be in to check on you at around 7:30."  
  
Malfoy's face went pale. It was widely known that Draco Malfoy was gutless and all talk. In fact, compared to Harry, who had balls of steal, Malfoy was more on the Styrofoam side.  
  
"Would it be wrong of me to assume," Professer McGonagall said to the class, dismissing Malfoy, "that you are all near the completion of you're studying for your practical task?"  
  
"Shit." Ron heard Hermonie whisper next to him. They both had completely forgotten about the assignment, which was a lot unlike Hermonie. She had been so busy desperately trying to get Ron to notice her that she had completely forgotten all her schoolwork.  
  
Neville and Harry were in the same situation, they had spent most of their time talking about beef jerky that they had forgotten their all-important education. Despite Ron's, Hermonie's, Harry's and Neville's lateness on this assessment, the rest of the class looked pretty well finished.  
  
"Need I remind you, that this is an important task, and I expect no less then perfection concerning its completion. You will pre-form your task in this room next Thursday, two days from now in your pairs. Any questions?"  
  
"We HAVE to study tonight Ron."  
  
"Yeah, I know."  
  
They whispered to each other, covering their mouths as to not arise suspicion with Professor McGonagall.  
  
"Your dormitory?"  
  
"Yeah. Eight O'clock all right?  
  
"Yeah, that's fine."  
  
"Planing another get together are we?" Dean said leaning forward from the desk behind them.  
  
"You're really pushing it." Ron whispered angrily under his breath.  
  
"No need to get so defensive, Princess." Dean taunted.  
  
"If you don't piss off," Ron said, raising his voice, "then I'm going to turn around and stick my foot up your-"  
  
"Problem, Mr. Weasley?" Professor McGonagall asked curiously, towering over Ron in an authoritative manner.  
  
"No Professor."  
  
***  
  
Ron, Harry and Hermonie sat by a window over looking the school grounds in the Gryffindor common room that evening. Ron was flipping through some sort of Quidditch magazine, occasionally glancing up at Hermonie who was starring out into the grounds, and Harry was avoiding Ginny's eye. He wasn't doing a very good job; Ginny kept spotting him starring and then quickly looking away.  
  
"Hey look at that!" Hermonie pointed out into the grounds.  
  
It was Malfoy on a stretcher exiting the forbidden forest, hovering around him was Hagrid and Professor McGonagall. Harry opened the window as to hear what they were saying when they approached the castle.  
  
"I'll have you sacked for this!" Malfoy was yelling at them from the stretcher.  
  
"Oh shut up Malfoy, it can't be that bad!" McGonagall shouted back.  
  
"I AM MISSING MY LEFT TESTICAL, HOW BAD ARE YOU ASSUMING IT IS!!!???!!!"  
  
Apparently, Malfoy and Hagrid had been in the forbidden forest collecting wood and so forth when Professor McGonagall came to check on Malfoy as promised. When trying to catch up to them, Professor McGonagall stepped on a large twig, snapping it in half. This noise had scared Fang and he made an attempt to run for it. Unfortunately, for Malfoy, he was standing in Fang's way. One thing lead to another and some how Fang thought it necessary to bound into Malfoy's crutch and retrieve his left testicle as if in the middle of a game of fetch.  
  
A few Gryffindors ran down the staircase to taunt Malfoy and his lacking of left testicle. Although the trio agreed the circumstances were taunt-able, they had to study sometime soon, and figured that he would still be missing his testicle tomorrow, so what was the rush?  
  
The three some waited around in the common room for a while for the others to return with amusing news, but grew impatient and went to Ron and Harry's dormitory to study.  
  
Upstairs they found Neville already preparing.  
  
Harry walked over to Neville and Ron and Hermonie moved their things out onto the Balcony.  
  
"So anyway," Harry said to Neville as he sat down, "in continuation of our earlier conversation, I would like to argue that the new beef-jerky range is no where near successful as the original. For one, it's not as-"  
  
Ron shut the balcony door. He could never understand their obsession with beef jerky. For a while Harry had switched to ham, but complained it wasn't the same. He then went on to try Devon, luncheon, bacon and finally, his all time low, Spam.  
  
"Good Idea. Do we have any information.at all?" Hermonie asked  
  
"I have two answers for that question. One is made up.and so is the other one."  
  
"I'll take that as a no. This is going to be a lonnnngggg night."  
  
After many hours, and talk of beef jerky, Ron, Hermonie, Neville and Harry finished their studying.  
  
"Are you guys hungry?" Neville asked the trio.  
  
"No, no, no.yes." Harry replied.  
  
So Harry and Neville went down to the kitchens for yet another memorable and harassing visit to the house elves. Ron and Hermonie remained on the balcony.  
  
"So." Ron attempted to make conversation.  
  
"Yes."  
  
Luckily Dean burst in at this moment.  
  
"Hey guess what?"  
  
"What?" they both asked, mildly interested.  
  
"Madam Promfry jerry rigged Malfoy another testicle."  
  
"Damn!" Ron had been looking forward to the many insults he could have dished out about hating to have only one testicle and so forth.  
  
"Word has it, that it's made of a slightly retarded pumpkin and half a piece of pie."  
  
"Caramel?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I suspected so."  
  
It was widely known Madam Promfry favored caramel pie over all other foods concerning the process of jerry rigging body parts, especially testicles. You wouldn't think that jerry-rigging testicles would be a common task, but it was. Out of all her patients Madam Promfry had given out more fake testicles than any other organ. This procedure reached its peak during the 80's when testicle removal became immensely popular for some odd reason or another. Anyway, the fad fizzled out, but you can bet any money that more than half of the male staff at Hogwarts have a fake testicle, as it was the style at the style at the time.  
  
"Ok, well I'm off to go taunt Malfoy in his hospital bed, see ya Princess."  
  
"Piss off!"  
  
Dean left and Ron and Hermonie laughed for a while over Malfoy's demented fake testicle, then they moved back out onto the balcony.  
  
"Hey, do you hear that?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Shhh, listen."  
  
Professor McGonagall and Snape were out on one of the fields talking.  
  
"I do hope Malfoy is alright." Snape said in a mock empathy tone.  
  
"Ha! Yes, Ahem, I mean, I.also.hope Malfoy is ok.ahem."  
  
Ron and Hermonie both knew McGonagall couldn't give two shits about Malfoy.  
  
"I don't like being outdoors Minerva, for one thing there are two many fat children." Snape complained, looking over at Crabbe and Goyle talking to Pansy, probably about Malfoy and his absent testicle.  
  
"Yes, I do agree."  
  
Snape and McGonagall walked back to the castle, hand in hand.  
  
Ron and Hermonie found this both shocking and disgusting.  
  
"Ewwww there should be a law against that, they're so old!"  
  
"Agreed, but who would have ever picked those two as a couple."  
  
"Who would ever WANT to pick those two as a couple." Ron said, gagging.  
  
"Are you planning on going back to your dorm tonight?"  
  
"Depends if Harry goes into another spiraling depression and a lengthy speech on "Why I am a beef addict," Hermonie quoted, but I probably will, but if I get too tired I might just sleep on the floor or something."  
  
"Good, good."  
  
***  
  
A/N: Next chapter will be up.soon. PLEASE review. 


	8. Romeo and Juliet, the pin up Poodle, And...

A/N: Okkkkkk, another chapter. Not that exciting, but it should do the trick. Sorry I haven't been updating as often as I did in the past, it's the same reason as before. I'm also sorry I can't thank anybody right now either, I've got to be quick. But I do appreciate your reviews! Ok, this chapter doesn't really go anywhere as such, it's more like me procrastinating because there has to be a few chapter between now and when.other things happen.lol.  
  
Disclaimer: I have nothing to say here. A disclaimer would seem to fit the bill...  
  
Chapter Eight:  
  
Romeo and Juliet, the pin up Poodle, And QUACK QUACK QUACK  
  
Hermonie felt something poke her in the face three times before she woke up. When she opened her eyes she saw Neville standing over her, poking her with a large stick of beef jerky and breathing heavily.  
  
"Well, it appears you're making this a bit habit of yours Hermonie." Dean said, from across the room in his four-poster.  
  
"Not again." She groaned, falling back onto the pillow she was sharing with Ron. It appeared Hermonie had fallen asleep in the boy's dorm again, but on the plus side, at least Ron was wearing underwear this time.  
  
"Beef jerky?" Neville offered, pointing the stick deceased livestock at her.  
  
"No thanks. I better go, I've gotta get my school things together and have a shower. I'll see you down at breakfast. Say good morning to Harry, Ron and Seamus when they wake up for me."  
  
"Will do." Dean winked as she left the room, he still suspected something was going on between her and Ron. It had to be admitted the circumstances were suspicious. This was the second time that Hermonie had slept in Ron's bed this week.  
  
Dean was overly curious about the whole thing, which probably had something to do with his lack of love life. The last person he had been out with was Ginny Weasley, and it would be safe to say that Harry wasn't the only one jealous about her new boyfriend.  
  
Dean blamed Ron for the whole thing. "I mean, who demands to be tarred and feathered and then tries to season themselves with chicken stock, out of all the seasonings, CHICKEN!" Dean thought.  
  
Ron had a totally different outlook on the past situation that went something like: "Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken."  
  
Clearly, Ron wasn't in a healthy state of mind at time, but he knew vaguely of the emotional trauma he had caused Dean. All the stress from the break up had caused Dean to go slightly implosively insane, whether that is a proper medical term, this author does not know. Dean now had a terrible habit he could not break, dirt eating. Secretly, ever since the break up, Dean had been eating copious amounts of dirt- not just any dirt, but the expensive kind.  
  
"I like dirt, I do not know why." Dean would always say.  
  
This was a terribly unsanitary habit, not to mention costly. Dean had tried to find a dirt-eaters anonymous society, but apparently they don't exist. There was no denying it, Dean was a dirt addict, and an eight handfuls a day one at that.  
  
Harry stirred as Neville began to poke him in the face with the beef jerky stick as he had done to Hermonie.  
  
"Ron!" Harry gasped, abruptly sitting up, still half-asleep, "I think I hate Dumbledore! .No wait, I find him informative and witty, goodnight."  
  
"You can't go to sleep Harry," Neville said, still poking him in the face, now to the rhythm of Mary Had A Little Lamb, "We've got to go to school, remember?"  
  
"I'd prefer not to." Harry said, getting up.  
  
Harry walked over to Ron and quietly leant across his bed until he was as close as any male can get to another without being considered a tad bi- sexual and screamed: "Ronnnnnnnnnnn! Abort ship! Women and Children into the boats!"  
  
"Aye Aye Captain!" Ron saluted formally before rolling off his bed in a feeble attempt to march off, falling face forward onto the floor wrapped in his bed sheets.  
  
Ron then stood up, trying to collect what was left of his dignity and announced:  
  
"I have misplaced my pants."  
  
"Clearly," Harry replied, "Where's Hermonie?"  
  
"How'd you know she was in here?" Dean asked nosily.  
  
"She fell asleep before I did" Harry replied.  
  
"Oh, well she's having a shower, then going down to breakfast. Speaking of showers, I better have one."  
  
"Yeah, you do stink a bit."  
  
"Shut the hell up," Dean retorted at Harry, "Seamus.Hey Seamus!"  
  
Seamus was still sleeping silently, despite the noise.  
  
"SEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMUUUUUUSSSSSSS!"  
  
Still no reply.  
  
"Fine." Dean sighed.  
  
Dean left after his previous few attempts to wake Seamus failed and Harry, Neville and Ron gathered their things for school.  
  
"Hey Ron," Harry said, packing his care of magical creatures textbook into his bag, "Do you like Hermonie?"  
  
Ron didn't answer, but instead turned his back and started to quack like a duck.  
  
"Ron, stop quacking. I-"  
  
"Quack Quack Quack-"  
  
"Ron!-"  
  
"Quack Quack Quack Quack Quack! -"  
  
"Answer me damn it! And stop that QUACKING! Do you like her? Does she like you-"  
  
"QUACK! -"  
  
"Ron! -"  
  
"Why do you want to know? QUACK! You don't tell me who you like! QUACK! And another thing-"  
  
"Ronnnnnnnnn! -"  
  
"QUACK, QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK  
  
Ron continued to quack for a further 5 minutes. Though he occasionally stopped to take a breath, but then started up again which made him sound like a retarded beaver in heat.  
  
"Are you quiet done?"  
  
"Nearly, QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK-"  
  
"SHUT THE FUCK UP RON!"  
  
Ron hadn't been expecting this sudden outburst, and immediately stopped quacking, neither had Seamus who had been pretending to be asleep ever since Hermonie left.  
  
"Do you two bloody mind?" Seamus shouted from his four poster, "Let me clear something up for the two of you. Ron likes Hermonie, but is too chicken shit to do anything about it, additionally, he also loves poodles. Harry likes Ginny and is sulking about her newfound fondness for Malfoy; He's also a slave to beef jerky. Hermonie likes Ron but she refuses to say anything because she fears his rejection, she also has a phobia of poodles. I'm not sure who-"  
  
"I do NOT like poodles!" Ron shouted, interrupting Seamus in his long speech of extensive knowledge he had been keeping for sometime.  
  
"Oh yeah?!" Harry yelled, flipping the bed head of Ron's four- poster down, revealing a pin up poster of a pink fluffy poodle wearing a beret.  
  
Ron gasped, "My secret shame!"  
  
"Shut up you!" Seamus continued, "Like I was saying, I'm not sure who Ginny likes. It could be one of three-"  
  
"Am I in the three?" Harry asked, crossing his fingers and jumping up and down.  
  
"Well, let me finish and I'll tell-"  
  
"Oh no, I'm not in the three am I? Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no," Harry said, falling to his knees and pounding his head onto the hardwood."  
  
"So you do like my sister? I knew it! Harry loves Ginny! Harry loves Ginny!"  
  
"Yes, but beef will always be my mistress. Just as poodles will always be yours."  
  
"I do NOT like-"  
  
"Need I remind the both of you that in order to have a mistress you must first have a girlfriend, and neither of you have either one!" Seamus informed.  
  
"That was to far."  
  
"You've cut me deep, mate.  
  
"Well it's fact ain't it."  
  
"Yeah, but.you don't have to say it! And it's not like you have a girlfriend." Ron said  
  
"Not exactly, no."  
  
"Wait, what does that mean?"  
  
"It means what ever you want it to mean. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to shower."  
  
"Well that's excellent then, it just so happens Ron and myself haven't showered this entire story, so perhaps we can continue this conversation on the way?"  
  
"No chance."  
  
"Damn it!"  
  
***  
  
"Isn't it a great day?" Ron said to Harry while crossing the grounds to Hagrid's hut for care of Magical Creatures, "The sun is shinning, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them, as is my understanding."  
  
"Yes, yes." Harry wasn't really listening, this Ginny and Malfoy thing really had his knickers in a twist.  
  
He still hadn't figured out a way to tell Ginny. He hadn't planned on going through with his promise to Hermonie, but only a few days later and their very public relationship had been given a violent shove into nauseating and Harry couldn't stand the sight of it.  
  
Dean had been in what seemed like a deep conversation with Hermonie ever since breakfast. Ron only ever caught bits of it. Currently he had positioned things so carefully that he could hear little bits of the conversation without looking too suspicious.  
  
"I don't really know a lot about this Dean," Hermonie said, "But it sounds very distressing."  
  
"It was just like Romeo and Juliet, only it ended in tragedy." Dean said.  
  
".ER-Dean.Romeo and Juliet did end in-"  
  
"It was JUST LIKE Romeo and Juliet."  
  
".Of course it was."  
  
Ron didn't get it, but then again, he rarely did.  
  
Malfoy had been forced to attend classes, considering he had been fixed with his new testicle, Snape saw no reason for him not to be treated as normal. Though his decision was highly influenced by Professor McGonagall, his new girlfriend. Almost evert student wretched at the idea.  
  
McGonagall had been very sure that Madam Promfry would be perfectly capable of fixing Malfoy's reproductive system:  
  
"Hogwart's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain... well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!" She had said.  
  
Harry wasn't so sure. To him, the very idea of having a testicle replaced by a retarded pumpkin and half a piece of caramel pie screamed budget.  
  
Hermonie and Dean finished up their conversation as they neared Hagird's hut and she rejoined Ron and Harry and left Dean with Seamus.  
  
"What was that about? Me?" Ron asked  
  
"Not everything is about you Ronald."  
  
"Yes it is," Ron said, brandishing a copy of the daily prophet with a front- page headline reading: Ronald Weasley to be charged with indecent exposure with a subtitle of: And now for what we all came here to see, hard core nudity!"  
  
"Are you proud?"  
  
"Bloody oath I am! That's my picture on the front of the daily prophet!"  
  
"They could have at least used a photo from your file, this one doesn't leave much to the imagination."  
  
Apparently Ron had been dancing naked the previous weekend in the streets of Hogsmade wearing a loin cloth much to small for his "bits" and doing the macarina, as his latest portrait clearly conveyed.  
  
Ron saw Harry walking off to the side by himself, looking quiet miserable indeed. "Hey Ron-" Hermonie said, trying to steer the conversation away from Ron's illegal activities.  
  
"Can't talk, see Harry, later, sex."  
  
"What?" Ron walked over to Harry and Hermonie wasn't given enough time to question Ron's half arsed sex proposal.  
  
*** Again, sorry this chapter doesn't go anywhere, but It leads up to what will happen next chapter etc. 


	9. McGonagall's sexy, sexy secret

A/N: Ok, sooooooooo sorry for the delay. That can be put down to my laziness I guess. But sorry all the same and I hope my next chapter doesn't take so long. I realise the story is getting silly at bits, which a few of you have pointed out to me. But I never really intended this to be serious, so any silliness is therefor intentional. Though I do agree I need to make the story actually go somewhere WITH all the silliness. That may or may not actually happen. But you'll just have to see how it pans out. This chapter is for all the little Harry potter kids! Lol. In other words Me, Joanne, Annah and Izzy. BUT HERE YOU GO JOEL! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW! HERE IS YOUR BLOODY CHAPTER! NOW READ IT! LOL. Hope you guys like it.  
  
I'd like to thank EVERYBODY for reviewing, but, unfortunately, again, I only have a few minutes to post this and then scoot, lol, so I can't thank you individually. So sorry about that, as I don't think I've ever thanked you all one by one, maybe next time I will have a chance to.  
  
Disclaimer: Unfortunately I have no little bit to put in here that is remotely funny. So, alas I shall be forced to use this for an actual disclaimer. *Sighs* I do NOT own any of the- What's this? My hands have suddenly become severely deformed and can't type a disclaimer! What a coincidence! Oh well, on with the story.  
  
Chapter Nine:  
  
McGonagalls "sexy, sexy" secret, recommended no strings attached sex and the lavatory ban  
  
Hermione was left wondering whether there was any actual truth behind what Ron had said, but, considering how loosely he used the phrase, she was pretty sure there wasn't.  
  
"Damn his sarcastic use of the English language!"  
  
Hermione had said this aloud, and Ron turned around.  
  
"What was that, Hermione?"  
  
"ER-I said, Damn you're arse look sexy.  
  
Hermione mentally slapped herself.  
  
"Why thank you. I have been doing my butt exercises. I squeeze really tight, and then I let go, I squeeze really tight, and then I let go."  
  
And with that, Ron walked away.  
  
"There's only one thing to do at a time like this," Ron thought to himself, strut!"  
  
Hagrid exited his hut just as Ron reached Harry, which was probably a good thing considering the expression on Harry's face was somewhat PMS-like. Ron feared if he said anything he'd be engulfed in a wave of tears and exposed to a lecture arguing how it feels to be a woman.  
  
"H've yer brought yer text books?" Hagrid asked cheerfully.  
  
The majority of the class nodded and Hagrid began a-not-so-thrilling lesson on house-elf sexuality. It wouldn't have been so disturbing if he hadn't provided detailed descriptions, overheads and videos, which, Hermione was sure, were not under the Ministry's regulations. That Hagrid sure knew how to bring up your breakfast.  
  
The final video began:  
  
"A few months ago, dobby the house elf discovered a few changes in himself:  
  
*Growing *The appearance of acne *And Hair, where there was no hair before  
  
He also noticed, Winky the house elf."  
  
Some time passed during the video, and Ron glanced over at Hermione.  
  
"I like my beer cold...my TV loud...and my homosexuals flaming."  
  
"Ron, nobody said anything about homosexuals"  
  
"Oh, sorry, my bad."  
  
".And then came the honeymoon!"  
  
"Ewwww"  
  
"She's fakin' it!" Hagrid boomed.  
  
"9 months later, Winky gave birth to 12 beautiful babies- 9 survived."  
  
The video came to an end and Hagrid turned to the students.  
  
"And that, class," Hagrid said as the bell sounded, "Is how little house elves are made.  
  
*** They made their way to Transfiguration a little less naive than earlier that morning to complete their exam. Once done, they then moved off to Potions in one of the Dungeons.  
  
"I'd say that performance was transcendent" Hermione conveyed to Ron on their way to class.  
  
"How about, groin grabbingly transcendent!?"  
  
"No Ron."  
  
"Ok, we make a good team, a groin grabbingly good team!"  
  
*** Professor Snape had them all seated in single rows because of the excitement the completion of the transfiguration exam was causing. It wasn't just the regular excitement either. Sexual excitement is apparently contagious and before Snape could do anything to stop it people were kissing and humping desk legs all over the classroom- particularly Ron. Though he could not be blamed, team a hormone-influenced male with a wooden desk leg with and your pretty much asking for some shameless thrusting.  
  
Once the raging hormones had settled down (given that they were all at the peak of their adolescence this took a surprisingly short time.) Hermione leaned over her desk and asked Neville if he would mind passing a note up to Ron. Neville's one weakness was Hermione.well, that and everything else, so naturally he complied. He passed the note from Hermonie up the line of single rows to Lavender, who passed it to Pavarti, who passed it to Seamus, who passed it to Dean, who passed it to Harry who then passed it onto Ron.  
  
Ron opened the note and read to himself:  
  
"Guess who likes you?"  
  
Ron turned around, trying to figure out who the letter was from. Neville waved at him. Rob shuddered.  
  
He dipped his quill back into his inkbottle and wrote a note to Neville. Ron passed the note back down the aisle and Neville opened it. It read: Booger.  
  
Neville thought this odd, as, to his knowledge, the current topic was completely irrelevant to boogers, but pocketed the note anyway.  
  
Professor Snape saw Neville open the note and, as he regularly did, went over to commence bulling him like a 7-year-old.  
  
"Long-bottom, hand that note over."  
  
"Note?" Neville's said, sounding like his balls hadn't dropped yet, "What note?"  
  
"Do you think me stupid?" Snape bared his teeth and raised his hands like claws in an attempt to look scary, like a ferocious bear, but ended up looking like a special Ed student in dire need of dental treatment.  
  
"Oh, this. This isn't a note.it's. -ER-, it's a. compact, oddly light, slightly explosive paper weight made of.paper."  
  
"Oh really?" Snape said, dropping the bear look and opting for the less is more but alfoil shoes are better conductors of electricity look.  
  
"Yes.it's used for.paper weighting things..mostly paper, and or paper products."  
  
"Stop procrastinating Long-bottom."  
  
"Yes, sir"  
  
"Hand over the.paper weight" Snape said, now opting for, best not to scare the students while they control your bank balance look.  
  
And now came what all staff members say they would never do but always do it anyway.  
  
"Guess who likes you?" Snape read aloud.  
  
Hermione raised her hand to object.  
  
"You?" Snape said, shocked.  
  
"No, sir, I just think that-"  
  
"And all along I thought you liked that Weasley kid!"  
  
"Hermione likes Ron" The class sang  
  
"She does not!" Neville protested  
  
"Neville likes Hermione!"  
  
"He does not!" Pavarti objected  
  
"Pavarti likes Neville"  
  
"She does not!" Dean yelled  
  
"Dean likes Neville!"  
  
"Shut up- nobody likes Neville!" Snape yelled, "You all will receive detention for this out burst, and, if this occurs again, consider your selves banned from the lavatory!"  
  
"But sir!" Malfoy whined  
  
"Shut it Draco!"  
  
"But no Slytherins said anything-"  
  
This was odd for Snape to respond in such a way to a Slytherin, but since McGonagall and himself had become an item he now resented anyone under 40.  
  
"-You ALL will receive detention tonight, my office at 7:00 sharp. And if you forget-"  
  
As Snape was about to finish his threats a barn owl swooped into the classroom and threw a letter at Snape, hitting him in the eye.  
  
Snape opened the letter and read to himself.  
  
He looked thoroughly disappointed (and yet somehow pleasantly surprised) as he turned to the class.  
  
"Change of plans, 7:00 sharp.at a restaurant specifically made up for this occasion when nothing else appealed much."  
  
"Wow, I've heard of that place" Pavarti whispered to Lavender in a I'm just making background noise voice.  
  
"Sir," Hermione raised her hand.  
  
"Oh what is it now Granger." Snape had been experiencing a mild form of PMS of late, probably due to all the hormone tablets McGonagall had him on for no particular reason.  
  
"Why will we be dinning at a restaurant specifically made up for this occasion when nothing else appealed much?"  
  
"YOU, aren't dinning there, YOU'LL all be sitting in the gutter. I'm dinning there with."  
  
"Oh, we all know about you a Professor McGonagall." Seamus pointed out.  
  
"We- what! We're not..we're not doing anything of the sort!"  
  
"Apart from that note, which is obviously from her, we have Polaroids"  
  
Hermione handed over the photos. Snape gasped for air, and then Hermione snatched them back.  
  
"Behold!" Hermione said, standing on her desk and holding the Polaroids over her head. "The blow up doll incident!"  
  
Apparently Snape and McGonagall had paid a little visit to one of the most well know sex shops in all of Britain, and hadn't been very discrete about it either. The photos clearly conveyed what was going on in a quick reminder of what you had for breakfast kind of way.  
  
There were so many stomach-churning moments at Hogwarts, 2 being the daily minimum, that it wasn't surprising that most of the students had stomachs of bulimic's.  
  
If the pictures hadn't been moving, you could have passed it off as bad lighting, but they were DEFINIETLY moving.  
  
At this point, Snape, sprawled out on the floor, was presumed dead.or passed out. This didn't really concern the class much, as a new potions teacher would have been looked upon as somewhat of a blessing, but alas, he stirred and stood up.  
  
"Give me those!" Snape grabbed the photos, walked over to his desk, and started to burn them, feeling as if he had just solved the problem.  
  
Hermione looked at Ron, then pointed to her top pocket. Ron, being as thick as he is, just thought she was pointing at her boob.  
  
"What? New bra?"  
  
"No you idiot!"  
  
Ron looked again and noticed a whole stack of the photos in her pocket.  
  
"There," Snape said, dusting his hands after he swallowed the ashes as an extra precaution, "now, I'd like to see you prove anything now, Miss Granger."  
  
"Wow sir, I guess you win." Hermione said sarcastically.  
  
"Yes, I guess I do."  
  
"Come on sir. We aren't stupid." Seamus Finnagin resumed the argument.  
  
"Oh, on the contrary, you are. And if I happen to be dinning at the same restaurant as Professor McGonagall, and she just happens to walk over and sit across the table from me then that's just pure coincidence!"  
  
"We know that note is from her, Sir!"  
  
"Note, what note!"  
  
"The one on your desk!"  
  
"That's no note..that's one of those paper weights that Long-bottom has, I ordered it just moments ago!"  
  
"Please, Sir! Look at the packaging!" Seamus leaned forward so he could read the address aloud: " Severus Snape, The Dungeons, In the eye. Love Minerva"  
  
Seamus snatched the letter from Snape's desk and read aloud:  
  
"Dearest Severus,  
  
It sure is a good thing that no one, particularly Seamus Finnagin is going to be picking this up from your desk and distracting the other students in your class, Severus, because I'm about to tell you something quiet personal. I love your greasy hair and your "just came back from the morgue" looks. I'd like to invite you to a restaurant specifically made up for this occasion when nothing else appealed much at 7:00 tonight. We'll eat there, then later, come back to my place and-"  
  
Snape snatched the letter back from Seamus  
  
"Mr Finnagin!" Snape yelled, livid, "You can consider yourself banned from the boys lavatory until the end of this month!"  
  
Seamus remained clam and smirked.  
  
"And that means no evacuation via your balcony either!"  
  
Seamus swallowed, hard.  
  
The bell rang and Snape now resumed his bear impression (but this time with hissing and head banging) and the class left without hesitation. McGonagall sure had had a strange affect on him. Harry assumed it was the sex, Hermione assumed it the romance, and Ron assumed nothing, which wasn't all that surprising. Ron rarely thought, unless absolutely necessary. And considering affairs of the heart, particularly Snape's heart, didn't have anything to do with him, he was pretty disconcerted with it.  
  
He had, however, been doing a lot of thinking concerning Hermione. He liked Hermione, Hermione liked him, but there was something in the way, a barrier of some sort, otherwise known as clothing.  
  
This clothing sure was a bloody nuisance, Ron thought.  
  
But that wasn't the only thing bothering him. Aside from the clothing, it wasn't just a sexual thing, predominantly, yes, but not completely. Ron wasn't sure if it was the testosterone talking, but he thought he might just be in love.  
  
"Hey Harry?" Ron began.  
  
"Yessssssssss"  
  
"Why are you talking like that?"  
  
"I had a stroooooooooke"  
  
"That's great. Now listen. I love Her-"  
  
"Hey guys! What are you talking about?" Hermione said, appearing out of what was probably thin air.  
  
"ER- I love Her.Herpes! Yes, that'll do. I love having Herpes!"  
  
"You have Herpes?" Hermione said, taking a step back.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"No"  
  
"Well, that's a relief."  
  
Harry was looking depressed again.  
  
"Is this about Sirus?" Hermione asked genuinely.  
  
Harry shook his head, but Ron continued anyway.  
  
"Don't let Sirus' death get you down, Harry. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow."  
  
Hermione glared at him.  
  
"I mean, it was such a tragedy. We all miss Sirus Harry, but he died a most likely painful death. Though he may be struggling to live. Maybe he just fell behind the curtain and onto a hot poker. Maybe he's still there, guts pouring out everywhere, head hanging on by a thread-"  
  
"Ron!"  
  
"What? I'm just opening him up to the possibilities!"  
  
"Well your possibilities are causing Harry extreme emotional trauma. Maybe we should get him some counselling?"  
  
"Counselling!" Ron said, outraged, "This boy doesn't need therapy, he needs a series of no strings attached one night stands!"  
  
"This isn't about Sirus! But thanks for opening old wounds! This is about Ginny and Malfoy!"  
  
"Oh." Ron suddenly lost interest. He didn't like talking about Ginny THAT way.  
  
"They wont last Harry," Hermione said, ".At least he won't be at the burrow. You can tell Ginny how you feel, and he won't be around to screw it up."  
  
"Yeah, I guess killing will be fun enough"  
  
"killing!"  
  
"ER- did I say killing? I meant.spilling! Spilling my feelings will be fun enough."  
  
"Yes.well. As long as you're happy. But I'm serious, Harry, it's all going to work out in somebodies favour."  
  
"And what the hell is that supposed to mean!?"  
  
"I don't know! You can't expect me to be intellectual all the time!"  
  
"I guess you're right."  
  
Of course I am, I always am. And if I'm not, I'm mistaken."  
  
"How do you figure?"  
  
"Figure what?"  
  
"That you're always right."  
  
"Because everybody tells me to be. And you should always give into peer pressure."  
  
"But what if somebody really bad is trying to-"  
  
"Always"  
  
At this point in their conversation, Ron was pacing several steps ahead; he didn't know whether it was safe to risk slowing down and hearing some thing terribly disturbing about his sister. He had no idea they had already moved onto Hermione's questionable intelligence.  
  
"Hey guys-"  
  
Ron had turned around to speak to the duo when he ran into an oddly placed house elf carrying a platter or food for the faculty. (It was common knowledge that the staff at Hogwarts mail-ordered every meal. Though the house elves looked like they produced quality food, the reality was far less sanitary.)  
  
The slate of food fell on top of the house elf, squashing him to what could only be assumed as his death. There was a standard brief moment of silence for the mourning of yet another servant (elf mortality rates had sky rocketed due to platter accidents such as these.) Dumbledore had ordered there be at least a 2.45-second mourning for every elf killed delivering their meals. Dumbledore was stingy with a lot of things, school supplies, toilet paper, sufficiently qualified staff, but his 2.45 second mourning rate was his lowest yet.  
  
Having already mentioned Harry, Ron, and every other teenage male's obsession with constant eating, I need not to convey their individual thoughts.  
  
"Are you sure we should be doing this?" Harry asked Ron between mouthfuls of stolen staff food.  
  
"Read your town charter, Harry. If foodstuff should touch the ground, said foodstuff shall be turned over to the village idiot. Since I don't see him around, start shovelling!"  
  
Ron and Harry shamelessly knelt over the platter on all fours and ate the faculty lunch while Hermione disapproved and leant against the hall wall. Though Harry thought he saw her take a few mouthfuls herself, but whilst in the spasms of eating stolen food the mind tends to get a bit foggy.  
  
While the trio was in the hallway, the staff grew impatient. The Great Hall was full of food, students we eating their dinner and the they had to watch.  
  
Snape nearly lunged at one of the platters on the student's table when Dumbledore reached out and stopped him.  
  
"No, Severus, it's not worth it."  
  
"Oh, but it is!" Snape whined.  
  
Some students turned to watch the dilemma.  
  
"Don't sink so low to eating this substandard mush conjured up out of rubbish bins-"  
  
Dumbledore realised the eyes on him.  
  
"-ER, what I mean to say is, don't sink so low as to eating the students food!" Dumbledore grew confident in his cover up, "I mean, stealing! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's-his-name?" -At this point Dumbledore had seemed to have forgotten that Witchcraft's traditional Religion was based around Satanic Rituals  
  
The students returned to eating their mush and were none the wiser.  
  
"When is our lunch getting here damn it!" Snape yelled, slamming his fists on the table. The table soon erupted in a din of babble, which was probably completely unrelated anyway.  
  
McGonagall had had enough at this point and withdrew from the table promising to come back with explanations, leaving Snape (but not before secretly slipping a few hormone tablets into his goblet of pumpkin juice) and the rest of the staff in a pre-lunch depression.  
  
She suspected the house elves were planning another revolt- they were always planning revolts.  
  
McGonagall often came off as a stern and strict woman who really had a heart of gold underneath, but really she was just an old bitch and wanted her lunch just as much -possibly even more- than Snape.  
  
As the wrinkly unfed professor rounded another corner she stumbled across one of the many shameless secrets that was played out on a weekly basis at Hogwarts- Neville long-bottom was stealing mops from the storage closet- again.  
  
"Mr Long-bottom!" The professor tried to sound shocked, but Neville was a repeat offender, particularly concerning the mops, and just as she was about to commence another lecture when Dean Thomas was spotted on all fours in the storage closet- cramming clods of dirt into his mouth.  
  
"Mr Thomas!" Now this was genuine shock, she hadn't known about Dean's dirt addiction, but she shouldn't have expected any better from one of Hogwarts most emotionally unstable students.  
  
"Explain yourself, both of you!"  
  
"Um, well." Neville began, "ER- look, your shoes laces are untied!"  
  
"They appear to be tied from here, but I will go in for a closer look."  
  
"RUN DEAN!  
  
And with that the two boys ran down the hall, arms flailing, legs kicking all the way to their dormitory.  
  
"On closer inspection- these are loafers" McGonagall said as she straightened up again.  
  
Now, her personal motto being "I'd rather let 100 guilty men go than chase after them", it's no wonder she wasn't in hot pursuit of the boys.  
  
This philosophy had only been put to use 15 years ago, before that, the young- well, younger- McGonagall, being the agile 40 something year old that she was, would have given them a run for their money. But now a days she was more likely to sit on her arse and picture superheroes naked while her opponents made a speedy get away. It's because of this new found laziness, other wise known as slipping into the middle aged category, that she had become a pro at undressing people with her eyes. McGonagall had become so skilled at this perverted art that she could undress anybody, anywhere, anytime.  
  
Once upon a time this had been a well-kept secret, and put to good use in at most every occasion. But somehow it had got out, and now every time McGonagall's pupils dilated and her mouth sagged at an oddly obtuse angle everyone in sight backed away, covering their "sensitive" areas with whatever was handy- usually Hermione's head, which proved to create a few compromising situations.  
  
On pondering this thought McGonagall made a mental note to undress people more often- for no apparent reason. She was currently on a tally- 2 nude students per day, minimum, and a nude staff member if time permitted it.  
  
But these standards were pretty unrealistic, because everybody knew of her sexy, sexy secret, that granted, there were plenty of people to undress around these parts. Being in the wizarding world had countless advantages: access to old age pensions at 25, virtually permitted adolescent mayhem, and, of course, the abundance of sexy, sexy people.  
  
McGonagall refused to see this acquired trait as a flaw. Instead, she looked upon it as a misunderstood gift, granted to those only with copious amounts of spare time and a dirty, dirty mind- all of which she, McGonagall, possessed.  
  
She rounded yet another corner with her thoughts on the possible events that night would hold when she rounded too far and ran into the wall. Feeling extremely unco at this point, McGonagall silently prayed that she was hallucinating when Harry, Hermione and Ron's faces came into view.  
  
Once her vision corrected itself she noticed the scene in front of her was somewhat unusual, to say the least.  
  
Ron, sprawled out on his stomach, his face in a pile of food, was trying to communicate something, but this was incoherent-splutters to her, as he was trying to speak through 10 centimetres of heavily seasoned mashed potato. She managed to decipher:  
  
"Please kill me, every moment is agony"  
  
Hermione, who had previously been taking on the responsible and sensible role, was now sitting up against the wall, hands held over stomach, head flung back and wearing a facemask of chicken skin and rice.  
  
And Harry, who, by rights, should have passed out from indigestion ages ago was still cramming pie into his mouth. This over eating was probably a reaction to his love life, or lack there of. If you thought only girl's loose control and binge eat, then maybe you should consider questioning Harry's gender.  
  
"What the devil is going on!"  
  
This outburst brought the trio back to reality, particularly Ron, who began choking on his mountain of potato.  
  
"Well? I want the truth!"  
  
Unable to make a speedy get away because they feared if they even stood their entire digestive system would fall through their underpants Ron began some insane rambling.  
  
"You want the truth; you can't handle the truth! I'm not out of order, the whole friggen systems out of order! Forget it McGonagall, it's china town!"  
  
"Shut it, Weasley!"  
  
"Yes, Miss."  
  
***  
  
A/N: OK, let me know what you think. I know this chapter was a zillion times longer than the others, but I don't know whether that's a good thing. If you want me to continue doing long chapters, then your going to have to wait A LOT longer for updates. Tell me whether you think this one is as funny as the others, I think I'm loosing it really. Nothing really seems that funny any more- but that's probably because of all the shit year 11 involves. Education sucks! Oh why oh why did I not get a job?! lol . Anyways, hope you enjoyed R/R! 


	10. Pubic hair of steel

A/N: Ok, I realise how long this chapter has taking to get finished, and I do realise it's considerably shorter than the ones from before, but it's done now so read it! Ok, this chapter also doesn't go anywhere, just aiming to get a few laughs really. Last time I updated I only got 3 new reviews, so I guess I was a little discouraged. Anyways READ ON!  
  
Disclaimer: ...  
  
Chapter 10:  
  
The "I have violent diarrhoea ploy", Miss Fern and Ron's pubic hair of steel  
  
Ron, Harry and Hermione followed McGonagall in single file to her office, chained to each other at the wrists.  
  
Ron had tried to escape, but failed. The "I have violent diarrhoea" ploy only ever works once.  
  
When McGonagall found his claim to be false, she went into the men's room (not an uncommon thing really), blew open the door, and caught Ron trying to unlock his handcuffs with his pubic hair.  
  
Ron had always said the Weasley genes were only good for a few things, it was now evident as to what. Harry remembered one summer, when Hermione, himself and Ron had taken up residence at the burrow. Mr Weasley gathered the children round the campfire and told tales of old: like, how to sexually exploit pot plants, The myth of the Female orgasm, and, Harry vaguely recalled and entire evening devoted to capsicum: friend, or foe?  
  
Ever since his recapture Ron had been trying, pointlessly, to get McGonagall to reconsider that perhaps his excretory system was in crisis.  
  
"Owwwwww, my colon!" Ron said, collapsing into a ball in the corridor, a few doors ahead of her office.  
  
"Get up Mr Weasley before I kick you in the general rectal area! "  
  
Ron bounced back up and resumed his previous stance.  
  
"What's the purpose of these shackles?" Hermione said as eloquently as you can with your face still covered in the remains poultry and all the other food groups.  
  
"Sexual pract- Security purposes, Miss Granger, Security purposes!"  
  
***  
  
"What do you MEAN my membership from Parish porn has expired?! Oh, hang on, I've got another call on the line. Hello?"  
  
"Mr Weasley?"  
  
"Yeah"  
  
"Good. Your son, and his "groupies" ("Hey! I'm Harry Potter, if anything they should be MY groupies!" "No fucking way am I your groupie!" "BLOODY HELL, SHUT-UP, I'M ON A CALL!") were caught breaking several school rules, if you don't come to some sort or consequence, then he won't have to worry about coming in on Monday! ("Wahoo! Three day weekend!")  
  
"Listen here lady, I pay you to parent my children, so go ahead, expel him, give him the cane, whatever, but don't put it on my head if he's taking part in strange sexual practices!"  
  
"I never said anything about strange sexual practices"  
  
"You didn't? Sorry, my bad"  
  
"He needs to be punished. I believe with persistent discipline, even the poorest student can end up becoming, oh, say, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.  
  
"Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. What great men he would join: John Marshall. Charles Evans Hughes. Warren Berger. Hmmmm, Burger..."  
  
"Yes, Burger. Do you have any idea when Ron became so rebellious?"  
  
"It started the summer of 1989, Molly and I had had a few, long story short, she was on the pill, and I was impotent for the better part of the evening, but we still managed to accidentally conceive Ron"  
  
"What does that have to do with anything?"  
  
"Not a lot"  
  
"Oh, and I suppose when you brought him to Hogwarts you thought it would straighten him out a bit?"  
  
"Actually, we were more concerned with how much we'd get back on our tax return. But I suppose, in a way, yes. But it seems my impression of Hogwarts is a little false. When I first heard that Ron was enrolling at Hogwarts, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie --Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie, Police Academy"  
  
"Yes, very well then, I'll leave it up to you to talk to the boy, I'll be down at the feast-"  
  
"So, like us, let your children run wild and free, because, as the old saying goes, let your children run wild and free!"  
  
"Dad?"  
  
"WAY TO GO SON- I HEAR YOU'VE PART TAKEN IN YOUR FIRST STRANGE SEXUAL PRACTICE!"  
  
"...have you been drinking?"  
  
"It' St. Patrick's day, I'm aloud a few."  
  
"St. Patrick's day was weeks ago."  
  
"Fine, post-St. Patrick's day"  
  
***  
  
Ron, Hermione and Harry awoke on the floor of McGonagall's office the following morning. Apparently Mr Weasley had spent all night talking, because when Hermione picked up the phone to put it back on the hook Mr Weasley said: "It was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my life forever."  
  
"Since your father was either to inebriated or just too stupid to come to some sort of punishment, I've been forced to make one myself" McGonagall announced upon her arrival.  
  
"And us?" Harry and Hermione said in unionism.  
  
"ALL of you are suspended for 2 weeks"  
  
"Where at?"  
  
"Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get onto either of your parents. Apparently, Miss Granger, your parents have gone on an overseas holiday, with out leaving a contact number. And Harry, well, your parents are dead, so there you go. You'll all be at the Burrow because of this, and these 2 weeks run into the Christmas holidays, so I'll be seeing you all when school starts again."  
  
*** Ron, Harry and Hermione went up to the boy's dormitory to collect their things. After waking in Ron's bed many, many times Hermione had just decided to move in. This involved Seamus moving into the girl's dormitory, not that he had had a problem with it. But, of course, when Seamus moved, Dean wanted to move, and when Dean moved, Neville wanted to move. And so it happened, that Neville, Dean and Seamus now lived in the girl's dormitory, and there hadn't been any complaints since.  
  
Harry was sulking, sitting on top of his suitcase, trying to push down the lid. Ron went over to help close it.  
  
"Are you stealing those Hogwarts bed sheets?"  
  
"They're souvenirs, Ron, souvenirs. They expect you to take a few things."  
  
"Is that my tie?"  
  
"Souvenir"  
  
Hermione joined them.  
  
"You know, this is actually going to be all right."  
  
"Yeah..." Harry replied  
  
"What's wrong with you?"  
  
"Ginny wont be there for weeks."  
  
"Oh bitch, bitch, bitch!" Ron shouted, now the only one trying to close the suitcase.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Ever since you started therapy (Harry had been sent to a counsellor, by order of Hermione that morning before McGonagall informed them of their suspension) all you can talk about is yourself!"  
  
"I just came out of my first session and I haven't opened my mouth yet!"  
  
"See: I just came out of MY first session and I haven't opened MY mouth yet."  
  
***  
  
"All right, I'll be seeing you when you get back, I hope this suspension will teach you all a valuable lesson, and maybe, you might just come back a little more mature."  
  
"Perhaps, but I'll never be like those men who stroke their chins, cluck their beards and talk about what's to be done with this Ronald Weasley!"  
  
"...just get on the train"  
  
"Yes Miss"  
  
Though it seemed strange to be starting a whole train just to go to Kings cross Station for only three students- that's just how the bloody story goes- so don't question it!  
  
They pulled in at the station and said goodbye to the conductor. Hagrid had been driving the train, well, at least temporarily. The real conductor had got his license revoked when he was caught drunk at the wheel. Though Harry wasn't so sure if putting Hagrid on as his replacement had been such a good idea- He was pressing the controls with his toes when they departed and had his beard stuck in a pencil sharpener.  
  
Mr Weasley greeted them at the station entrance.  
  
"Harry, so good to see you" He turned to Ron, "And you must be one of my many, many offspring?"  
  
"Yes, dad."  
  
"And you are?" Mr Weasley asked, now facing Hermione.  
  
"Come on Mr Wealsey, we've met...several times"  
  
"Oh yes, I recall you making a pass at me at my works last Christmas party"  
  
"No, you must be thinking of someone else"  
  
"Are you sure? Because I can distinctively remember some one of your height, your hair colour, kind of spiky too."  
  
"ER- Dad-"  
  
"Not now Ron. Yes...as I recall there was quiet a lot of bark...Fern, yes that's right, Miss Fern"  
  
"Dad, are you thinking of the time when you were arrested for disturbing the peace and Mum had to bail you out of jail?"  
  
"Yes, that's the one."  
  
"That wasn't Miss Fern, that was A Fern."  
  
"Oh...WAIT! Now I know who you are! You're that little fuzzy haired friend of Ronald's!"  
  
"...Yes"  
  
She felt a little embarrassed at this point. She had tried and tried to smooth her frizzy locks, but 'twas no good.  
  
"And by the way." Mr Weasley bent his knees and brought himself level with Hermione's ear. Hermione listened in, hoping that perhaps he was going to reveal some sort of miracle tonic for her hair troubles, or at least some sort of contraceptive, "Ron quiet fancies you."  
  
Mr Weasley resumed his previous stance and locked his hands into his belt buckles, rocking back and forth on the heels of his feet, looking quiet pleased with himself.  
  
"Oh, well, Very good then. Now, quick, to the bee mobile!"  
  
"You mean your shebby?"  
  
"...Yes"  
  
***  
  
"Oh, I nearly forgot," Mr Weasley said on the way home, "I think me and you're mother are having a bit of trouble."  
  
"...You woke up on the lawn again, didn't you?"  
  
"...Yes..."  
  
The car neared an intersection.  
  
"If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken!"  
  
"Mr Weasley! What about the Road rules?" Hermione spoke up.  
  
"Screw the road rules! This is a democracy! Majority rules!"  
  
"But wouldn't that make you the minority?"  
  
"...Shut up!"  
  
***  
  
A speeding ticket, an officer assault charge, a taxi ride home and three and a-half-hours later they arrived, exhausted back at the Burrow.  
  
"What was the assault charge for again?" Ron asked as they neared the front steps.  
  
Mr Weasley sighed, "I told you, I thought the cop was a prostitute"  
  
"Oh..."  
  
Mrs Weasley emerged from the front door and ran towards them, looking some what constipated, or angry, her expression was a little vague on her current mood.  
  
"And where have you been, Authur! I've been out of my mind with worry, in much the same way I was when Ron, Fred and George flew to Privet drive and rescued Harry! That reminds me- Ron, go to your room!"  
  
"Molly, Molly, calm down, calm down."  
  
"Stop repeating everything!"  
  
"Ok, ok."  
  
"Aurthur, for how long is this going to go on? Ever since your vasectomy you've been a real shit!"  
  
"Dad's de-sexed? HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!!"  
  
"Shut up or I'll have you circumcised!"  
  
It was at this Ron ran inside and cowered in the corner of their kitchen, rocking back and forth, repeating something about not being Jewish and nobody touching his foreskin, whether it be for religious purposes or just a kinky interest.  
  
*** 


	11. “Rule number 56: NEVER wait ALWAYS use a...

A/N: Yes, I know, long time since I updated- I've had a lot of things going on. BUT I DIDN'T GET MANY REVIEWS DID I!? HUH? HUH? YEAH- THAT'S RIGHT! Ahem...anyways, hope you enjoy. Thanks to the following for reviewing my story: Chapter1: luvin'it, dragonfly-child, Chapter2: winterspirit, Joel, emma-watson03, hellyn Chapter3: HarryPotterGirly, Me Chapter4: Darkened child, mojo-gasaraki, Padfoot-foreva Chapter5: TheLoneRangers, karrottop, Darkened child, Red and Gold, hellyn, Padfoot-foreva Chapter6: Joel Chapter7: dirtyharriet, winterspirit, scattiluci, Red and Gold Chapter8: winterspirit, dirtyharriet, Red and Gold Chapter9: nabriton, mojo-gasaraki, Joel Chapter10: Joel, Rikku~Final Fantasy~, PsychoHaired,  
  
Disclaimer: Ok, I don't own them, HAPPY?  
  
Chapter Eleven:  
  
"Rule number 56: NEVER- wait- ALWAYS use a condom."  
  
"Relax," Harry soothed as he approached Ron in his corner, "Not even Hermione would touch your foreskin."  
  
"Oh, you don't want to know to what lengths I'll go."  
  
Ron suddenly cheered up  
  
"ER- I mean, for purely scientific purposes of course."  
  
Ron remained enthusiastic.  
  
"VERY painful scientific purposes" Hermione enforced.  
  
"Oh..." Ron enthusiasm fleeted.  
  
***  
  
After Ron's little outburst, and many threats of circumcision, (this time, to both Harry and Ron) the trio and Mr. and Mrs. Weasley gathered around the dinning table for dinner, which was then followed by dessert.  
  
"Ron," Mr. Weasley said over sweets, "now, since circumcision has been on the cards tonight," Ron swallowed hard, "It's only fair that I begin the traditional, chronically embarrassing, unnecessary sharing of my limited knowledge on the women's psyche and how to deal with it..."  
  
And so began Mr. Weasley's epic speech every son dreads he will one day have to endure with his father, though, for Harry, considering his father was dead, this was proving to be quiet educational.  
  
"...Rule number 18: Ron, a woman is a lot like a...ER...refridgerator! They're about 6ft, 280 pounds...wait, on second thought; a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!"  
  
Mr. Weasley HAD, in fact, stepped over his own mother to get one, so this wasn't just the excessive amount of alcohol from the evening's proceedings talking.  
  
"Rule number 56: NEVER- wait- ALWAYS use a condom."  
  
Ron gagged on his pumpkin juice. Yes, dear Ronald was quiet flustered indeed. Ears red, and vegetable juice in lungs, Ron, embarrassed, asked "What does that have to do with anything!?"  
  
"Speaking from experience, Son. And you take this in too Harry. Look at how many children me and your mother have! Sure, she was on the pill, but how reliable is 98%!"  
  
"Actually, Mr. Weasley," Hermione butted in, "98% is quiet effective in-"  
  
"Don't you be poisoning my sons mind with your science and hard evidence!"  
  
"Dad!" Ron was really quiet embarrassed."  
  
"And with Ron fancying you-" Mr. Weasley gasped.  
  
"You listen, son. NEVER SURCUMB! You don't want to end up in your late 40's with a billion children! Ruin your life it will-"  
  
Molly shot him a look.  
  
"ER- Did I say ruin? I meant fill your life with joy. Little treasures children are- don't regret it for a second!"  
  
Molly still looked pissed.  
  
"And- ER- Hermione, I meant nothing by that she devil comment."  
  
"You didn't call me a she devil"  
  
"Didn't I?"  
  
"No"  
  
"Oh, meant to. Oh, yes, and the final rule, the golden rule. Rule Number 57: first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women"  
  
That one was the alcohol talking.  
  
"Gotta have the right honey to lure the bee, right "Mr. Weasley winked at Harry and nudged Ron in the ribs."  
  
"Actually, Mr. Weasley," Hermione butted in again, "Bees don't eat honey, they make it. In fact, it's the nectar that attracts the-"  
  
"Quiet, you she devil!"  
  
"Authur!" Molly screamed.  
  
"What, I apologised before hand!"  
  
***  
  
Once the drama of desert was finished, the three of them decided to take a night walk around the Weasley's property, which resulted in the trio collapsing around mid way from exhaustion. Time got away from them and they ended up staying the night outside. When they woke in the early hours of the morning, Harry laughed at what he saw.  
  
"What?" Ron shouted when he was woken by Harry's laughter, "Oh...that..."  
  
It seemed that Hermione and Ron had been up to their old subconscious, nightly tricks again. The semi-naked Hermione, and the completely Ron lay sprawled out on the Weasley's lawn.  
  
"Damn it- WHY CAN'T I BE AWAKE WHEN THIS HAPPENS!?"  
  
Hermione woke up.  
  
"What's going- HOLY SHIT!!!"  
  
***  
  
The following morning before breakfast Mrs. Weasley and Harry were in the kitchen playing music: Harry on the Guitar, and Molly doing the vocals.  
  
"How many roads must a man walk down, before you can call him a man?"  
  
"...Seven!" Mr. Weasley called out from the lounge room.  
  
"No, Dad," Ron said as he walked down the staircase, "It's a rhetorical question."  
  
"...Eight!"  
  
"Do you even know what rhetorical means?"  
  
"DO I KNOW WHAT RHETORICAL MEANS!"  
  
"Hey," Ron said, taking the guitar from Harry, "You wanna hear my alteration?"  
  
"Yeah, alright" Harry agreed  
  
"How many roads must Hermione walk down, before you can call her a m-"  
  
Hermione hit Ron over the back of the head  
  
"...Nine!"  
  
***  
  
"Think you're better than us, do ya? Think you know better than your family 'ay? As long as you're living in MY house you'll do as I say and believe what I believe!"  
  
"But dad-"  
  
"AH! Now butter your bacon, son"  
  
Ron buttered his bacon as he was told around the breakfast table.  
  
"That's better"  
  
Ron then picked up a sausage from his plate.  
  
"AH! Now bacon up that sausage, boy"  
  
"But dad, my heart hurts-"  
  
"AH!"  
  
Ron 'baconed up his sausage without another word.  
  
Whilst Ron's family and their guests sat around the breakfast table ("Authur! I told you to get your feet down from the breakfast table!" "You said dinner table!" "IT'S THE SAME TABLE!") Errol flew into kitchen, glided over Harry's head, skimmed the jug of milk and landed in Hermione's hair. He threw the letters at Mr. Weasley and perched himself back on top of the bush on which he had landed and proceeded to make a nest ("GET OFF!").  
  
"Oh look, the three of you have a letter from Professor McGonagall, how predictable" He said, passing it to Ron, "And we've got one from Dumbledore, Molly, also predictable."  
  
The trio opened theirs, reading it separately:  
  
Dear Mr. Potter, Mr. Weasley and Miss Granger,  
  
Although we realize you've been suspended, we do not find you so unworthy as not to merit an invitation to the school's annual play. This year, the production is titled: Gonna paint a wagon. My sources tell me that Miss Granger and Mr. Weasley had the pleasure of stumbling in on one of the rehearsals about a week and a half ago, and we are keen to hear your thoughts. *Hint hint* *If thoughts are perhaps not of good nature then I smell another suspension coming on*. There will be a 15 minute interlude, in which a surprise performer will entertain the audience, and we, the staff, have seen to it that his talent is much, much, much worse than the play ever could be- guaranteeing our success...we hope. Of course, as you would know, the cast is staff ONLY, and this ensures a very tacky production- look forward to seeing you.  
  
Yours Sincerely Prof. McGonagall Warm wishes from all of Hogwarts' Staff and Students. (Note to receiver: Staff and students warm wishes may be insincere, unauthorized or made with sadistic intentions.)  
  
P.S. Due to the circumstances the minute the show finishes your welcome officially wears out.  
  
Happy Holidays!  
  
The trio went back to eating their breakfast, a little annoyed that they had to go back to school to see the play. The memory of Professor Dumbledore in a red leather western suit still haunted Ron and Hermione in nightly dreams- not to mention the image of Professor Trealweny streaking through the crowd.  
  
"What's the matter with the two of you" Harry asked Hermione and Ron.  
  
"I don't know, we just started shuddering."  
  
"Weird..."  
  
"So, dad, what's yours say?" Ron asked, baconing up another sausage, and receiving an approving 'well-done, son! I can see that circumcision threat shrinking into the distance!' look from his father.  
  
"Just another school fee notice for another 500 billion dollars we don't have."  
  
Ron looked concerned.  
  
"Oh don't worry, son, I've got it sorted."  
  
Ron went back to eating his breakfast.  
  
Mr Weasley finished his toast and began to walk out the door.  
  
"Where you going, dad?"  
  
"Sperm bank"  
  
***  
  
Later in the evening........................  
  
"Authur, I've been thinking and-"  
  
"You're stuck with me- I knocked you up! This marriage is binding! You can't bail out now! -"  
  
"Authur- what are you talking about!?"  
  
"...Nothing..."  
  
"Right. Well ANYWAY, I've been thinking, and I think it would be a nice surprise for Ginny if we accompanied the children to this...play."  
  
"What's the point of going out, we're just going to end up back here anyway"  
  
"Authur- I'm trying to do something nice for the children-"  
  
"But Molly- Hogwarts productions suck! You know that as well as I do-"  
  
"Uh- don't remind me."  
  
"Well maybe you need reminding! Remember that horrible rendition of Alice of Wonderland?"  
  
Molly sighed deeply, "Yes, yes I do," She said, pinching the bridge of her nose, "Filch as Alice, It was a one man show, no reviews, terrible premiere and horrendous costume."  
  
"I told him Alice just wouldn't wear a sequined novelty printer cartridge as a dress, but he wouldn't have a bar of it...," Mr. Weasley said, shaking his head. "But I suppose you're right, we better go in and face the music: If they wanna paint a wagon- then damn it! - They're gonna paint a wagon!"  
  
"I'm a very lucky woman"  
  
"And I'm a wonderful man"  
  
***  
  
Mr. Weasley, who was sitting in front of the T.V. late that night, was now regretting his decision. He didn't particularly want to revisit his teenage years, but he'd have to if he didn't want to wake up on the lawn again.  
  
An ad came on, breaking his train of thought.  
  
"It's 11 o'clock at night- do you know where you're children are?"  
  
"I TOLD you last night- no!"  
  
***  
  
A/N: Sorry- I know it's short, but it'll have to do. Yes, I am aware, there IS a lack of plot!  
  
*** 


	12. The cod piece, Witch weekly and the fron...

A/N: Ok- long long long time since I updated, and, with out a doubt, my succeeding installment will take just as long- perhaps even longer. Again, just no plot what so ever. Written for a laugh. This has definitely no end- and I will probably always be writing it. Simpsons quotes remain and more blackadder, another from Robin Hood, Men in tights. Sorry I can't thank you individually AGAIN but I've got to be quick. However I do remember someone saying I had spelt a few things wrong. My bad. Sorry about that. I just run it through the spell check and generally just press ok for everything! My Computer is a little spastic and said I had spelt it wrong. But don't think I'm illiterate! I can spell perform! ENJOY!

Disclaimer:

Chapter 12: The cod piece, Witch weekly and the front page spread of a porno mag

The trio and Mr. and Mrs. Weasley melodramatically sighed in unionism, standing in front of the Weasley's fire place, ready to leave for the first ever viewing of what was sure to be turn out to be one of the many blocked out memories they had of Hogwarts.

"Hmm..." Mr. Weasley spoke to his wife, stroking his chin,"See that hot poker?"

"Uh-huh"

"Do me a favor—drive it through my leg—right here" He motioned to his upper thigh.

"We're going to see Ginny, Authur" Molly said through gritted teeth.

"Damn nation!"

Mr. Weasley continued to look longingly at the poker.

"Don't even think about it, Authur" Molly responded flatly.

"I haven't the faintest clue what it is you're jabbering on about. All I was thinking was, it's a lovely day to be impaled on a stick"

"Don't push it"

"Ron, come here- you're a minor—"

'Authur!'

-0-0-0-0-0-0

The trip had been delayed by an unplanned unexplained visit upstairs by Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, leaving the trio time to bide.

Harry exited the room for a quick stop to the lavatory, heard an argument upstairs, and being the earthy male he was, took his piss outdoors.

Harry re-entered the Weasley's living room to a most familiar site- the constant bickering between best friends, which was more prominent in a pair of two-year-olds fighting over a stuffed camel coupled with extreme nappy rash.

"Oh yeah!" Shouted Ron from what appeared to be mid argument at Hermione on the other side of the room, hands on hips, "Well _my_ mum's cooking chicken for dinner!"

"Well _my_ Mum's cooking continental, creamy mushroom chicken!"

"Yeah, well my mum's dead"

"Touch'e"

Minute's later Mrs. Weasley could be heard thumping down the stairs in an enraged state, Mr. Weasley closely following her trail, zipping up his pants.

"Kids- WERE LEAVING! Come on Authur—get a move on—and don't think I'm going to fall for that 'I have explosive diarrhea ploy' again!"

"That was genuine!"

Mr. Weasley approached the trio not far from the dinning table, breaking up their conversation.

Ron, I love you like a son," Mr. Weasley confessed, placing a fatherly hand on Ron's shoulder,"—but that's the last time I ever lift a page from your book!"

"Come on kids," Mrs. Weasley spoke to the trio from the fire place impatiently,"better sooner than later- you first Ron"

Ron's mother shoved her youngest son headfirst into the fireplace, and, had they not been wizards, this may have looked like a modified attempt at 16th century witch burning rather than a motherly nudge. Ron stumbled into the designated area, grabbed a handful of floo powder and stood on the spot, fingers crossed, muttering some sort of mantra.

"Pamela Anderson's bed, Pamela Anderson's bed Pamela Anderson's bed"

"What's that Ron?" His mother said leaning into the fireplace.

"ER- I said, I forgot to make my bed, I forgot to make my bed."

"Oh never mind that dear, just go, I'll fix it later"

And with that Ron vanished in a copyrighted whirl of green flames, with the delusional glimmer of hope he was going to end up on Pamela Anderson's bed.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Sitting somewhere around the middle of the theatre the Weasleys, Harry and Hermione grimaced- Dumbledore's red leather clad leg could be seen poking out from the stage curtain- apparently as a pre-drama teaser- one to many tassels glimmering in the stage light.

"I hope he tells us to burn our pants' Mr. Weasley whispered to his wife 'these things are killing me"

Dumbledore took the stage with the grace of a wounded wilder beast and the brassy element of Broadway- twirling the microphone like a man who'd done it many times before.

"Good Evening ladies and Gentlemen-"

"--Don't you hate pants--!?"

"SITDOWNAUTHUR!"

"-I am proud to present 'Gonna paint a wagon'..."

And so the horror commenced, leaving the audience much appreciative when the curtains drew for the brief stage set up before the interlude.

There was scattered conversation throughout the crowd as they looked longingly at the doors. There would have been a hurried rush for the exit- if it were not for the fact Neville had established the apparent electric volt charm and lay twitching on the floor, unaided and urine stained.

Ron could be seen by his mother, looking intently at Hermione.

'Oh, Authur, isn't Ron cute?'

'Probably'

Hermione turned around to speak to Dean, who had caught her attention by suggesting disapariation. This always—without fail—sent Hermione into a lengthy lecture, not unlike an epic Greek poem, about how she was the queen of the universe and knew everything there was to know about Dean trousers- Their size, style and for how long his fly had been undone.

Such talk of Dean's trouser parts sent Ron into a wild silent rage. This spout of anger, however, was only currently plain to his parents.

Mrs. Weasley turned to her husband

"Have you noticed something about Ron?"

"New glasses?"

"No. It seems like something could be troubling him"

"Probably misses his old glasses"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

McGonagall raised her finger to her lips which was apparently supposed to encourage a proverbial hush as the curtains rose for the 'entertainment'.

A masked figure could be seen on the stage, his face either obscured by shotty lighting or an attempt at a dramatic entrance.

His body was draped in a cape of red satin, and his genitalia, a purple velvet cod piece encrusted with jewels.

With his underwear on the outside, and his dignity no where visible, he strode out into the platform with the air of someone with a 200 volt battery up their arse. It was at this point a handful of tissues appeared to have fallen out of the noticeably over stuffed cod piece. Most of the female audience slouched in their chairs- the intermission was over as far as they were concerned.

The unknown performer lunged at the microphone and threw off his mask.

There was a collective gasp as Draco Malfoy revealed himself to be the foreigner clad in the various assortments of silky fabrics.

A bass drum could be heard, growing from faint to deafening within seconds. Draco tapped his foot, thrust his hips (inappropriately, apparently, according to the huff from McGonagall and other members of the over fifties crowd) and opened his mouth:

'Two table spoons of cinnamon And two or three egg whites

I have a stick of butter....melted

Stick it all in a bowl baby

Stir it with a wooden spoon

Mix in a cup of flour

You'll be in heaven soon'

'Oh no. He wouldn't' Hermione questioned in disbelief.

'He would' Replied Harry

'Hey everybody have you seen my balls

They're big and salty and brown!

If you ever need a 'quick pick me up'

Just stick my balls in your mouth!

Suck on my chocolate salty balls

Stick 'em in your mouth and suck 'em

Suck on my chocolate salty balls

They're packed full of vitamins—and good for you

So suck my balls'

Mrs. Weasley fainted in her seat. The students burst out laughing. McGonagall knocked Malfoy unconscious with a stage prop (A bucket full of paint) and Mr. Weasley commented on how the amusements had upped their standard since his day.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

At the closing of the production McGonagall could be seen dragging Malfoy by the ear behind a stage curtain.

'They do say, Malfoy' She began calmly, 'that verbal insults hurt more than words. They are, of course, wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork into your head!'

There had been a hasty exit from the theatre into the corridor shortly after this, admitting the entire audience the utmost pleasure of not viewing the succeeding half of the play. This exit left Neville with a mildly disfigured arm, as he had been in the path of the stampeding herd of people vacating the room at the time.

'I can't feel the left side of my body'

This complaint was ignored.

Mrs. Weasley, having recovered from her bout of unconsciousness with absolutely no help from her husband at all, was now ready to leave. The trio had no objections to this, but were having a hard time at spotting Mr. Weasley.

Molly was rather frustrated at this, and gave direction to the trio.

'Right. Now, the sort of person we're looking for is an aggressive drunken lout with the intelligence of a four year old and the sexual sophistication of a donkey.'

'Got it,' Replied Ron, 'now—Hermione—'

But Hermione was too busy conversing with Dean to tell the difference between Ron and a penis pump, which was just as well, because when Ron noticed that her attentions were else where he made another silent fuss.

'Ron!' Yelled Harry

'What!'

'You're frothing at the mouth!'

'Yeah, and your left testicle is lower that the other but I don't make a point of—hang on—wasn't your scar on the other side?'

Harry gasped, grabbing at his forehead.

'I have a scar?'

Amidst Harry's clutching of his face and the fruitless search for his father, Ron attempted to move on in the conversation. If Harry hadn't realised he'd had a scar for 15 years there was no point in shocking him further by telling him it was actually from a waffle iron.

'Ok, you take the left side, and I'll take the right, and maybe we might just be able to find—'

'Wait—how do you know about the testicle thing!?'

'News travels fast Harry, and when you're the centre fold of witch weekly it's a bit naïve to think no-one would notice!'

'...You buy witch weekly?'

'I may have' Ron cleared his throat, 'glanced at it'

'You strange, twisted—'

'Maybe so. But at least I was never the front page spread of a porno mag!'

'That was for charity!'

'Hooters is hardly a charity!'

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

A/N: Ok, admittedly this is my worst chapter yet, but it's probably going to take me a while to settle into it again. Sorry again for taking ages, but I've been too busy with school crap to even think about it. In fact I shouldn't have really even written this coz I've still got lots of school crap! Anyways, review and let me know how it was! 


	13. ‘Dear Bitch’, ‘I’m NOT gay!’ and ‘I fuck...

A/N: Helllllllllllllo once again! Sorry for the delay....again. Oh well, never mind. Thank you to the following for reviewing for chapter 12 :

nabriton, joel, Ingenious, bethzc, Angel of the Elements, mojo-gasaraki, Daniel and Goldilocks31890

Ok, still Simpsons quotes, some from 10 things I hate about you and Family guy. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Don't own anything, yada yada yada etc etc

Chapter 13:

'_**Dear Bitch' 'I'm NOT gay!' and 'I fuck hedgehogs'**_

Ron walked off in an effort to withdraw himself from the situation. Unfortunately, for Ron, Harry wasn't quiet ready to drop the subject.

'I'll have you know that Hooters was very low on funds at the time!'

'I think I can say with absolute confidence that if there's one business that will never, as long as there is an abundance of randy teenage boys, _EVER_ be low on funds—it's Hooters!'

Harry was feeling in inclination of inadequacy in comparison to his companion, but then he remembered he was talking to Ron.

Harry felt a change of topic should commence, owing to the fact he was loosing this one.

'So, Ron. Do you find aquatic animals fascinating?'

'...Yes'

'And do you like tomato sauce?'

'Yes!'

'And do you shower with a floatation device?"

'Yes!'

'And are you staring freely at Hermione's breasts?'

'YES! ER- wait'

'AHA! So you do fancy her then?' Harry chided, elbowing Ron in the ribs.

'Look. I don't know where you've gotten **_THAT_** impression, but I assure you that my relationship with Hermione is purely sexual'

'...'

Ron folded his arms with smug satisfaction, Harry snickered, then Ron revisited the comment.

'ER- that is what I would say if I fancied her...you see, just demonstrating...only stating scenario's...don't read too much into it.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

'Oh Draco!' Ginny praised ridiculously to her boyfriend behind the stage in the manner of a pathetic submissive post feminist, 'you are so talented! And you are so debonair! And you were great! And you—'

Malfoy yawned, rolling his eyes at Crabbe and Goyle, as if to say **'_I am a GOD. This woman grovels at my feet'_**. But it came off more as **_'I fuck hedgehogs'_**.—which seemed to repulse the majority of onlookers.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Meanwhile, Molly was still in the heated pursuit of her husband. She had just begun to search an industrial bin when the P.A. cut her expedition short.

'Attention Molly Weasley, your son has been arrested'

Mrs. Weasley attempted to shrink into the crowd at this embarrassing report as guests all over the great hall began to whisper their elation at such gossip.

Then the P.A. was switched on again.

'Attention Molly Weasley, we have also arrested your older, balder, fatter son'

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

'This is all your fault!' Ron screamed at Harry, shaking on the metal bars separating them in the Hogwarts detainment dungeon.

'I'm not the one who slapped that old lady in the face!'

'She asked for it!' Ron pouted, crossing his arms.

'Will you boys shut-up?!' Came Mr. Weasley's request from the shadowed far corner of Ron's cell.

'Dad? Is that you?'

Ron peered across the room, but failed to see anything.

'Yes, it is I. But hush- I am working on important business!'

'But—'

'Quiet! Now....lets see, if I move this...no...well how about....right? Left? ...Perhaps forwards...no— **_DAMN RUBIX CUBE!_**'

'...Dad...?'

'Yes'

'How'd you get in here?'

'...I mooned that old lady'

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Ginny, who had taken heed to the announcement on the P.A., had proceeded immediately towards the holding room. Upon entering the said facility she spotted Harry, who resumed his sexiest pose, unfortunately, for Harry, Ginny didn't find someone licking a wall particularly attractive at all and continued walking on to her objective.

'**_Damn, came on too strong again'_**

'Dad? May I have a word?'

Over the next few minutes the two engaged in under tones. Then Mr. Weasley seemed to grow tired of this nature of conversing, and resumed his usual volume.

'Don't think you're fooling anybody. I know who you want to bend the rules for- It's that hot rod Malfoy!'

'...what's a hot rod?"

'It's a...he's not coming! You're not going! End of story!'

'Dad—'

'Do you know what'd happen!?'

'Yes daddy. We'll dance, we'll kiss, we'll come home. It's not quiet the crisis situation you imagine'

'Kissing huh? Kissing isn't what keeps me up to my elbows in placenta _**ALL DAY LONG**'_

'Ok, can we just ignore the fact that you're severely unhinged and discuss my need for a night of teenage normalcy?'

'What's normal? Those damn Dawson's river kids sleeping in each others beds and whatnot?'

'Daddy, that's so not...'

'Pay attention to me. I'm down. I've got the 411. And you're not going out and getting jiggy with some guy. I don't care how dope his ride is!'

Ginny stared blankly

'Now, what was I saying....Oh Yeah- Stay out of my booze!'

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

'I'VE NEVER BEEN SO ASHAMED IN MY LIFE!' Mrs. Weasley screamed at her husband who had been released on bail as they walked towards the car with the rest of the family, 'AND for God sakes _put on some damn pants!_'

'Yes dear'

'I'll never be able to show my face in the Wizarding world again!'

'Yes dear'

'You have scarred your children with this shameful public display and God help you if this gets out in the press!' Mrs. Weasley gasped at this realisation, 'I can just see the head lines now,' She stretched her hands in a band for added effect, 'Ministry Official bares all, An Anus of Authorities, Middle aged man caught with pants down!'

'"PANTS DOWN"? NOW LISTEN HERE- oh wait, you're quiet right, carry on'

'YOU ARE SUCH A CHILD!'

'You know what Molly? If I'm a child, that makes you a paedophile! And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert!'

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

'But _Mum_—'

'You heard your father—_NO'_

Ginny was mid-way argument with her parents over dinner that evening, and it seemed that she had as much chance as winning it as Pigwediton did scoring with Hedwig.

'Look—,' Her Father interrupted, 'If I've told you once—I've told you a thousand times—NO BOYS IN YOUR ROOM!'

'Then he can stay in the lounge room—or with Ron ('**THE FUCK HE CAN!**')'

'No- _NO BOYS IN THIS HOUSE **PERIOD!**' _

'But Harry comes and stays here EVERY summer!'

'Yes- but Harry's neutered!'

'..._WHAT?' _Harry interjected

'Yes dear, it's quiet a simple procedure,' Mrs. Weasley explained, 'Just a quick snip-snip while you were sleeping'

Harry stared at Mrs. Weasley, stunned and appalled, jaw dropped.

Ginny let out an exasperated grunt

'This is such a double standard! Hermione comes here every summer too!'

'_She_ doesn't sleep in my room' Ron said, pouting and crossing his arms. He was still rather bitter concerning her flirting with Dean.

'Yes, but we all know that Ron is desperate and probably gay—so starting from now Hermione _does_ sleep in his room—The sooner you get her pregnant the sooner I can go to bed knowing I have raised a virile boy!'

'... "_Probably gay_"...?'

'Yes dear—and there's nothing wrong with that'

'I'm _NOT_ gay'

'Yes dear. But if you _were_—'

'_I'm NOT gay!_'

As this dispute continued, a black owl swooped into the kitchen, delivered a letter to Ginny and left as unnoticed as it had arrived. Ginny recognised the writing and opened it under the table, out of view from the others.

_Dear Bitch,_

_I'll be at the three Broomsticks. Meet me at 9. Bring a 6 pack and clean up after me all night. Dress skanky_.

_Malfoy_

Ginny closed the letter and sighed

'_He's so romantic'_

'Ok, so it is agreed,' Mr. Weasley continued, 'Ron, you'll get Hermione pregnant during a night of unsafe sex and me and Molly will play the ignorant parents'

'Aurthur!'

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Ginny tip toed down the stairs as quietly as possible at 8:30 that night, trying not to disturb anybody in the living room.

'Should've used the window' came Mr. Weasley's voice from the other side of the lounge, 'and where do you think you're going,' he questioned, getting up.

'If you must know daddy, a small study group of friends'

'Otherwise known as an _orgy_?'

'No, I—'

'You're not going out- especially like _that_'

'But—'

'You're a Weasley—Not a whore'


	14. Arranged sex, SACK WHACK, SLAP and a pig...

A/N: Ah yes, I love the smell of Britain in the morning…you should probably disregard that. New chapter. If you're looking for brilliant comedic sketches and witty remarks—then you've come to the wrong place. I suggest you try another story. And now that the pleasantries have been dealt—on to the story!

Hope you enjoy.

Thanks to the following for reviewing!

darkened child: There will be absolutely no Draco and Harry. Harry and Ginny!

angatgirl: Thank-you—I am perverted. Lol.

Ezza: Thank you so much! I love Monty Python, but I haven't incorporated your idea into this chapter, but I defiantly will consider it later on!

Goldilocks31890: Sorry it takes me so long to update, but I'll try harder.

Little Red Riding Hood In Pink: I'd love to progress the story too, it's a shame my mind in lacking in all things romantic. Though I will be getting to that in a while.

chickflick004: Thanks!

Disclaimer: I OWN EVERYTHING…or, if you like, I own NOTHING…which ever you prefer.

Chapter 14:

**Arranged sex, _SACK WHACK, SLAP_ and a pigeon**

'This is so unfair!' Ginny screamed, running up the stairs to her bedroom.

'And that's the end of that chapter' Mr. Weasley said to her retreating back, dusting his hands.

'Ok, Dad' Ron yawned, 'we're heading for bed too' he motioned up the stairs, and then back to Harry and Hermione behind him.

'Bed 'ay?'

'Yes, bed.'

'Well,' Mr Weasley responded, 'you know the rules. No sleep. Only one bed. And absolutely _no condoms_'

Ron looked delighted.

Hermione looked outraged.

Harry looked indifferent.

'If you think that I'm going to have sex with your son just because you demand—'

'Look, Hermione' Ron interrupted soothingly, 'rules are rules. Who are we to stand in the way of my Father's domestic legislation?'

'Ron! Your mind has been clouded with excess testosterone! Listen to yourself! You're talking about the new extreme of arranged marriage—arranged sex— **BY YOUR PARENTS!**'

'Alright! Get to bed—the lot of you! I don't want to hear one more word about it! If you even so much as think of coming down to breakfast tomorrow morning without _at least_ one fertilized egg in your uterus you will suffer the consequences!' Mr. Weasley yelled at the trio, drawing the lounge room shudders closed with a slam.

'Alright, Hermione,' Ron said with enthusiasm, clapping his hands together, 'lets not disappoint. I know it's not ideal, but whatever is in this work-a-day-world? So, what'd you say to a night of—'

_**SLAP**_

Ron registered a 'Hmph' as Hermione passed him up the stairs, presumably on her way to Ginny's room.

'Not the best approach' Harry commented, receiving a scowl from Ron as he nursed his stinging jaw and what ever there was left of his poor, pathetic, male ego.

'I'd like to see you do any better!'

'You're on!'

Ginny ran down the stairs at a bolt, only stopped by Harry's arm, 5 steps from the bottom.

'What are you doing? I'm trying to—'

'You're so beautiful'

'—I'm trying to— **what**?'

'Stunningly attractive'

'Harry—I'm not following—'

'Shhhh' Harry raised a finger tip to her lips 'don't ruin this moment with words'

'Get off me before I—'

'Let's make love Ginny. Make it like lovers d—'

_**SACK WHACK**_

'I've got a _boyfriend_, Harry' Ginny stated exasperatedly before running down the remaining stairs and out the front door.

Harry lay curled up in a ball on the stairs.

'Smooth one. I didn't think it possible, but you sucked even more than I did'

Harry still lay curled up, not talking

'Harry?…Harry? You alright, mate?'

'I think I'm blind' Harry said pathetically, vocal cords clearly under strain

Ron heaved a sigh

'Here, I'll help you up'

They climbed the rest of the stairs in silence. Ron edged his bedroom door open with his elbow, holding Harry up with his other arm.

Not expecting Hermione to be sitting on the end of his bed in blatant anxiety, Ron let go of Harry, who promptly banged his head on the floor boards. Ron apparently had no moral dilemma with leaving him there.

'Gave me a bit of a fright Hermione…' He tried to say in an off-handed tone, running his fingers through the back of his hair.

Harry rolled over on the floor, groaning painfully.

'A little help here?'

'Oh yeah, sorry…' Ron pushed Harry out the door with his foot and closed it on him, clearly having no moral dilemma with this either.

An awkward silence passed between them for several moments. And Ron, feeling he had a cunning plan, broke it.

'So…periods? How are they going for you?'

'Don't ever say that again'

'It's not a problem, chief'

'Don't call me chief'

'Sure thing jerk'

'Chief is fine'

Ron sat next to her on the bed. If neither of them had been so uptight about apologising then they'd probably be arguing at this moment.

Ron cleared his throat

'Listen, about before. What I said. I didn't mean to sound like a—'

'—Chauvinist bastard?'

'Well. I was going to say like a—'

'—pervy little prick?'

More like an—'

'—emasculated donkey?'

'Hermione! I'm trying to apologise in my half assed chauvinistic bastard, pervy little prick, emasculated donkey kind of way! Will you please just let me continue?'

'Yes ma'am'

'Hermione, I love—' Ron suddenly cut his statement off, he didn't particularly feel like accepting rejection…on this day '—Harry'

And odd expression spread over Hermione's face

_He's gay? _

Ron, realising what he had just said, burst out in horror, trying to correct himself.

'In a masculine kind of way! Me and Harry, testosterone filled **MANLY **men! Always enjoying a good wrestle—NON-sexual of course, forever chasing skirt!'

'Chasing skirt?' Hermione splattered, perplexed

'What I mean to say is…'

'…yes?'

'I didn't mean it! Well—I did mean it. But not in the sleazy way it came out. I meant it to come out more…er…'

'Romantic?'

'Er…yeah'

'Well, Ron. Just as a warning for the next girl's pants you try to get into—that proposal was about as romantic as receiving an invitation to a mass gang bang with the option of having an umbrella snapped in half and rammed up my ass'

'I see…' Ron said, stroking his chin.

'But…it's ok'

'It is?'

'No'

'Oh'

'ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHH'

Harry had apparently received a fresh stroke of pain…which was wilfully ignored by pretty much everyone.

'So…We're cool?'

'No. I'm cool—_you're_ crap'

Ron smirked down at her. Even sitting down their height difference was appalling. Hermione was just thinking how some sort of elevating escalator contraption would be useful in eliminating the problem when Ginny burst through the door in tears.

'FUCKETY FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCKER!'

'Problem?'

Ginny paused a moment, punched a hole in the wall, and then fled the room in a fresh wave of tears. As she left the room, a piece of parchment fluttered to the floor.

Harry crawled back into the room on his hands and knees, and got to the parchment first. Un-crumpling it, he read aloud:

_Dear Ginny,_

_Parting is such sweet sorrow…or some shit like that. Anyway moving onto business. You're poor and I hate you. I feel that a coupling such as this is unsuitable, owing to the fact that I couldn't give a shit about anybody else but me and my bags, and bags, of money. I've found something prettier and smarter than you. And when my father bribes the Minister of Magic to abolish the bestiality legislation, me and my love will be able to go public with our relationship. Fine animals, pigeons. So, in closing: Dear Baby. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You._

_Malfoy_

'Oh my…' Hermione said when Harry had finished and looked up the two on the bed.

'Ha…a pigeon…' Ron chuckled.

'Well, with any luck he'll die of a urinary track infection and his family will all catch syphilis and be doomed to sexual solitude for eternity' Harry said, trying to instil some hope in them.

'Wow Harry,' Hermione gasped, wide eyed, 'what a lovely thing to say! Go in there and tell her right now!'

'Well, somebody's gotta go in there and comfort Ginny—and God knows it's not me' Ron asserted.

'Me neither…I'm…knitting'

'No you're not'

'But I could be. You don't know anything about knitting. I could be doing it right now'

'…You win this round'


	15. Dear Bastard', 'SCORE' and going on the ...

A/N: Okkkkkkkk, finally, another chapter. But cut me some slack for being late with it. It's not like I'd rather be doing school crap. Anyway, thank you so much to the following people for reviewing:

Joel, mojo-gasaraki, dirtyharriet, Pantos, Shimby Kori, Kelly, nemo, cetesy, me, samurai-lapin

Disclaimer: Don't' own it—Oh but I want it!'

Chapter 15:

'**Dear Bastard', 'SCORE' and going on the game**

'Ok…ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok,' Harry repeated nervously outside the youngest Weasley's door, bouncing up and down on his toes, trying to figure out the appropriate words to comfort Ginny.

_It's ok, _he told himself_, if worst comes to worst I can just accidentally push her out the window and when she comes to she'll have no recollection of what occurred. I'll tell her that she screamed 'I have no reason to live' and threw herself head first onto the pavement. I'll be the brave person who dangerously risked his life to save her, but was tragically too late. I'll get a medal and we'll have hot sex of the hero worship variety._

Then the sane part of his brain kicked in: _Or you could just cast a memory charm, dumb ass_

'God damn it! Even my subconscious is smarter than I am!'

_Ok, ok, suck it up. You can do this, you can do this. Be mature; just treat her like any old tom, dick or Harry...'_

'…Ha- dick' He sniggered aloud

'Hello?' A snivelly voice from behind the door spoke, 'Is that you Hermione?' Ginny opened the door and came face to face with Harry.

_Crap_

'O-oh, s-s-sorry. I-I can go, I-I-f you want'

Ginny tilted her head, 'are you ok? You look like _you _wanna cry'

_Oh! Oh! Chicks dig sensitivity! That's it! All I have to do is act like a complete sissy and she won't be able to resist my pansy, pansy charisma!'_

Harry sobbed pathetically into his hands, hoping Ginny wouldn't detect the complete idiocy of the situation.

'You're an ass'

He stopped sobbing.

'Well, can I at least come in?'

0-0-0

'I knew this would happen!' Hermione stamped her feet on the floor boards. 'I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!' She shook Ron by the shoulders.

She'd been screaming pretty much the same thing for the last ten minutes. Ron, finally bored of hearing the same thing over and over, decided to just ask her what the problem was.

'…Hey, Hermione, this might be none of my business, but why are you screaming in my face?'

'I knew he was a prick! I knew he would do this to Ginny! He was only using her! I knew he—'

'—They didn't…_you know what_….did they?' Ron asked in a squeaky voice. Ron hated talking about his sister in these terms.

'I don't think so…' Hermione stopped screaming and thought for a while, 'But we weren't with her every moment of everyday. I guess they could have—'

'THAT BASTARD!'

'SEE! SEE!' Hermione pointed, jumping up and down on the bed, 'I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT!

Ron got up and started pointing and jumping on the bed with her, joining in her mantra of 'I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!'

'What should we do to get him back?' Hermione asked when the jumping came to a stop, eager that Ron was now at the same speed as her.

'We could kill him!' Ron said enthusiastically, eyes widening with excitement

'O…..K…..' Hermione said, not quiet sure Ron was at the _exact_ speed as her, 'Or…or, we could write a letter back! We could pretend to be Ginny and- and, we could say that _she_ was cheating on him too! And that he's better in bed then Malfoy was! …Oh, if they had sex, that is. Well, we'll just have to word that part very carefully then!'

'Yeah!'

'Ok!' Hermione said, thrilled, 'You start!'

Ron grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill, walked over to his desk and sat for ten minutes, giving the air of someone using their upmost concentration.

He put the pen behind his ear, walked over, and handed it to Hermione, grinning. 'All done'

**Dear Bastard,**

**You think you're so smart! Well guess what poo eater—I was cheating on you too! Yep, that's right! And no, this is not a lie! I did him real good! Yeah, we had sex-and he's better than you…if _we_ did it. I forget, but if we did—it sucked! **

'That's…great, Ron'

'You didn't read the last line!' Ron pointed to the bottom of the parchment.

'…Ok, Ginny has a Y in it….and also N, and an I, and another N…..Oh, and you missed out the G at the beginning'

0-0-0-

Ginny's room was somewhat of a shock to Harry. Walking in and finding himself face to face with wall to wall snap shots of himself was a little disconcerting.

'So…you like taking…photographs'

'Yeah, it's my, er…_art_ –The theme is—'

'—Harry Potter with a side of _**stalker**?'_

'Some might say so. I prefer prowler, personally'

'Right…'

Harry moved over to the bed and sat down.

_Well, who else am I better equipped to score with? If I can't make it with my stalker, who can I make it with?_

He had to admit though; Ginny breaking up with Draco made things a lot less complicated. For one thing, seeing his tongue rammed down her throat wasn't such as haunting memory, knowing that the last time he'd seen it would be the last time he'd have to endure it.

'So, do wanna talk about ways to get over him?' Harry said excitedly, hoping her response would be: I'm heart broken and vulnerable! Take me now you well equipped stallion!

'Well, first I'd like to sever his testicles—'

Harry made a mental note—_do not cross Ginny. Or, if wish to cross Ginny, make sure sex change arrangements are in order before the actual crossing_

'—then, if possible, 'She continued, 'I'd like to humiliate him in front of the entire school on the first day back, saying I've got a new boyfriend—'

'I could be your boyfriend!' Harry blurted out, then clapped his hands over his mouth.

'Really? You'd do that?' Ginny asked in disbelief

'Yeah, sure'

_SCORE!_

'Ok, so it's all set. When we go back to school we'll make a big scene and you'll be my new pretend boyfriend'

'I sure will be your—what?'

_Withdrawing the 'SCORE!'_

'Unless you've changed your mind?' Ginny became worried. She hadn't exactly grasped what Harry had intended the gesture to mean. If she had, she'd have obviously accepted, but, bless her, her head was emptier than a hermits address book.

'No, no. I'll—'Harry gritted his teeth—'_do it'. _However his anger dissolved at his realisation that he'd just said _do it._

0-0-0-

'Ok, that's really good Ron, but I think it needs a little more…' Hermione tried to find an un-insulting word.

'Swearing?'

'Uh…sure, that too. But just give me a few minutes with it, ok?'

Hermione proceeded to pretty much change the entire thing.

'There, 'She said upon its completion, folding it into a perfect square, as was her method,' 'now, if you could just give it to pig to owl off to Malfoy, that'd be helpful'

Hermione got up and left the room on the pretext of using the bathroom, but her real intention was to go eavesdrop on Harry and Ginny.

Ron stood there, holding both letters up, weighing up his options

_Hermione's letter had heart, but football in the groin had a football in the groin_

He finally decided on sending his letter, as it was obviously the more believable option. What Hermione didn't know wouldn't kill her. Or, if it did, he could always say Harry did it.

0-0-0-

Hermione made her way down the hall hearing the distant familiar voices of Mr. and Mrs. Weasley in the dinning room

'Authur, I'm sick of being so God damn poor! All I was suggesting is that we go to London and—'

'—Why go all the way to London when you can make a fortune here lying on your back!'

Hermione pressed on, feeling it was probably best she didn't hear the beginning or indeed the end of that argument. Besides, that wasn't what she was particularly interested in at the moment.

Upon reaching Ginny's bedroom she pressed her ear against the door and listened intently. She knew it was wrong and none of her business, but lets face it, she's a brown nose little bitch.

She could hear Harry laughing nervously.

'Ah—I didn't mean that. I mean, I did mean it. But I was so stupid, that I didn't mean what I meant—'

Ginny sounded disgusted.

'How dare you traipse in here under the pretext of being _concerned_, when all you wanted to know is whether I had my periods so you could have sex with me!'

'It was a joke. A BAD JOKE! I didn't _mean_ it!'

'And here I was thinking that you actually cared, but all your interested in is your FAT PENIS!' Ginny yelled as she put on her over coat and headed for the door.

Harry jumped up and threw out his arms.

'Oh, no—don't go! I've said too much! _I'm hopeless and awkward and desperate for love!'_

Ginny flung open the door, bowled Hermione over and ran down the stairs and out onto the front lawn.

Ron was in the kitchen with his parents when Ginny darted out the front door.

'Ah, yes,' Mr. Weasley commented as he saw his daughters retreating back, 'to be young again: Running, jumping, _prostitution' _He added snidely, looking up over his paper at his wife.

'Forget it Authur'

'Oh, please go on the game!' He whined.

'No!'

What do we have food wise?' Ron quizzed his mother.

'Hmmmm,' she tried to remember the last time she went shopping, 'Well, seeing as we're still _shockingly poor_, your choices are dirt, or, 'She turned and rummaged through the cupboard behind her, 'this'. She held up an old cereal box. The front advertisement read: _Made of 100 sheep shit, it's guaranteed to fulfil your daily requirement of animal excrement! Now with added pellets!_

'…I'm not eating that'

His mother pursued the issue still, pouring the contents of the box into bowls for her son and husband.

'Thorpie says it's _fully sick_'

This both disgusted and shamed Ron.

Mr. Weasley threw himself head first into his cereal bowl.

0-0-0-

Ginny scuffed her shoes on the bricks outside her house. She'd been outside for about 20 minutes and she'd hoped someone would have at least told her to come inside by now. Ginny had a sever attention seeking disorder.

Just as she thought she better turn on the water works Mr. Weasley opened the door, holding a duck. He looked at his daughter momentarily'

'Ma'am'

He put the duck down and scowled at it.

'…That's a duck'

'That is a bad duck!'


End file.
